Many of you can no doubt recall Big Mike’s one-album stint as a Geto Boy, as he replaced Willie D on ‘Till Death Do Us Part. It proved to be enjoyable enough but lacked the abrasive Shout-Rap stylings we’ve grown to love from the "Clean Up Man". Mike later went on to a well-received solo career, and made a serious of sensible, intelligent albums. It was his first release, as a member of the Convicts with rap partner 3-2, that Mike really shined. Their self-titled debut has stood the test of time as not only one of the finest Rap-A-Lot releases ever, but more importantly as a testament to the genius of ignorant rap.
A number of valueable lessons for today’s misguided youth can be found within the grooves of this LP. Whether addressing problems with H-Town’s "edgemication" system ("Fuck School"), thoughtful examinations of modern-day relationships ("Whoop Her Ass"), tales of innocent romance ("I Love Boning") or just helpful lessons in hygine ("Wash Your Ass"), Convicts has it all. Set to classic, old-style Houston beats (none of that keyboard shit here, strictly harmonicas and church organs), the two crowning jewels of this long-player (no homo), are "1-900-Dial-A-Crook" and "Illegal Aliens".
"Dial-A-Crook" (listed as "Dail-A-Crook" on the LP) features the legendary Geto Boys helping out at the call centre, which provides step-by-step instructions in stealing a car (Big Mike), cooking crack (3-2), whacking somebody (Scarface) and finally advice on assassinating Saddam Hussein during the Gulf War (Willie D and Bushwick Bill). There are also timeless cameos by a Mexican dude and a "cracka-ass cracka".
"Illegal Aliens", at a generous running time of 6 minutes and 22 seconds, remains to this day as without a doubt the most racist rap song ever recorded, making headline-grabbing efforts such as Ice Cube‘s "Black Korea" and "Horny Lil’ Devil" sound softer than Heavy D in comparison. According to 3-2, "thanks to wetbacks I can’t get hired on a trash truck", while Mike offers "bad enough we have to worry about these motherfuckin’ whites – now we got foreiners!". Asians and Nigerians ("calling themselves doctors, motherfucker you can’t speak English well enough!") are next to cop a serve, and just when you think they’ve covered everyone… the Cubans get called out! Whatever happened to "Buck The Devil"?
Convicts - 1-900-Dial-A-Crook (Convicts, Rap-A-Lot, 1991)
Convicts - Illegal Aliens (Convicts, Rap-A-Lot, 1991)
Bonus: Snoop Doggy Dogg featuring the Convicts – Playing 4 Keeps [thanks to Dark Gable for this dope track].
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