Filed under: Features,Flavor Unit Special,Print Work,Steady Bootleggin'
Written by: Robbie Ettelson
What’s worse? Rap made for chicks, or broads rapping? It’s been so long since a skirt has made a decent rap song, it’s not even funny. What’s even less amusing is hip-hop made specifically for dames. It was bad enough when Heavy D was dancing around in transparent rain-coats and Ja Rule was making like Stewart Little with his shirt off. Now we’ve got douche-bags like the Gym Class Heroes churning-out Wuss Rap that make Snow Patrol and Maroon 5 sound hardcore.
Ladies licking lyrical buck-shots? I doubt it. Considering that Nelly Fertardo and Fergie are rhyming now, the “femcee” (*vomits*) movement is dead in the water. Lauryn Hill is cracked-out, crazy and basically just crap these days, while Foxy Brown is as deaf as your granny and Lil’ Kim looks more and more like a Bangkok Ladyboy every week. Latifah has gone Hollywood (literally!) and MC Lyte isn’t returning my calls. Who’s left? Remy Ma? That Shesus Kryst is basically a retarded attempt to get some “Hate Me Now” Nas and Diddy free promotion, plus messing with Fat Joe is bad for your health. Shante was good value, but her less talented but far more attractive “rival” The Real Roxanne was easily the flyest of the bunch.
Token girl rappers were once a “must-have” feature of any crew, but given the underwhelming reactions to the likes of G-Unit’s Olivia, The Roc’s Amil and whoever Ludacris’ gal-pal was, that shit’s a dead issue. Oh yeah, remember Eve? The Ruff Ryder has done one too many lame pop cameo for her own good and now seems to have as much buzz as Lloyd “Brianna” Banks. Even that home porn tape leak didn’t help. Speaking of smut, it could be argued that only women making any noise in the hip-hop world are the likes of Superhead and Buffy The Body. Still, sure beats watching Missy “Not Actually A Rapper” Elliot dance around in hot-pants.
Is it wrong to fondly recall a time when good rap was loud, abrasive and hated by your girlfriend? Not that I want hip-hop events to be sausage-fests by any means, but nor should they resemble the crowd of a Kylie Minogue concert. Here’s a good rule of thumb – if your mum, sister or current “better half” likes the majority of music on your iPod, you may as well go and train-surf into a tunnel right away.
Originally published in Acclaim #9
Queen Latifah – “Wrath of My Madness” (DJ Premier Remix)
The Real Roxanne feat. DJ Howie Tee – “Bang, Zoom (Let’s Go Go)” (Live In The UK)
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