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Written by: Robbie Ettelson
If you’ve ever had the misfortune of having to sit through Breakdance 2: Electric Boogaloo, Rappin’ or even Posse, then get ready for more cinematic horrors in the not-too-distant future. Yeah, you guessed it – they started shooting the effin’ Biggie Smalls movie. After holding a nation-wide audition for the lead, the producers (I’m assuming Lil’ Cease is on as “creative consultant”) decided on Gravy, who – as luck would have it – just happens to be a fat rapper from Brooklyn. Actually, he was pretty much a shoe-in for the role months ago, but I’m guessing the auditions were some type of pointless publicity stunt. The point being – does anybody actually think this movie will be any good? Previous Rapsloitation flicks like Krush Groove at least had some live performances to distract us from the cheesy acting, and Beat Street had that dude who bit a can in half. Do you really need to see a young B.I.G. discovering that life as a shorty shouldn’t be so rough on the mean streets of Bed-Stuy before finding rap stardom, ugly Italian jumpers and finally getting his end in a dame with a blonde weave?
For all you ’80s fanatics, there have also been some reports that fruits like Cuba Gooding Jr. had been cast in the role of Engineer-All Star Marley Marl, and David Banner was to play Biz Markie in the Juice Crew flick! I doubt we’ll see this movie for another five years, but I’m sure that when The Vapors is finally made I’ll be first in line to see how badly it tells the story of how Big Daddy Kane, MC Shan and Roxanne Shante got their start. As long as Mario Van Peebles isn’t involved, I’m good. Admittedly, Paid In Full was pretty awesome despite not being an actual movie about rap, but if you ever peeped the back cover of Eric B. & Rakim‘s first album you know the deal (plus it good to see Cam’Ron making himself useful for a change). As for 8 Mile and Get Rich Or Die Trying? Blame them for this new wave of hip-hop themed films. OK, maybe not much Curtis’ caper. It’s only a matter of time before Kanye gives us his autobiographical magnum opus, although I suspect it will be closer to Tougher Than Leather or Cool As Ice than Style Wars. Here’s hoping the Black Eyed Peas get signed on for a remake of the Fat Boy‘s comedy vehicle Disorderlies.
Video: A tribute to the greatest rap movie evah:
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