Filed under: Classic Ignorance,Crates,Not Your Average,Steady Bootleggin'
Written by: Robbie Ettelson
Photo by Glen E. Friedman
Sure to upset your girl and embarrass you in front of your grandparents, songs about smashing it have provided some of rap’s most entertaining moments ever. There’s no way to cover them all here, but these are twelve of the finest ignorant dirty rapp joints you’ll ever hear. Keep in mind that I’ve had to exclude the entire musical output of Too $hort, 2 Live Crew, Disco Rick, Akinyele and NWA in order to keep this down to a dozen.
Apache – ‘Tonto’
The ‘Gangsta Bitch’ guy informs us that he doesn’t “eat shit that bleeds for seven days and doesn’t die”. Niiice.
Awesome Dre – ‘Sex Fiend’
Awesome Dre is still the greatest thing outta Detroit to this day. He also informs us that he doesn’t “mess with hookers, ‘cos that ain’t nice!”. There go my plans for the weekend, then.
The Beatnuts – ‘Story (Pinkie In The Twat)’
The ‘Nuts go nuts for sluts.
Bust Down – ‘Nasty Bitch’
Most. Ignorant. Sex. Rap . Evah.
Convicts – ‘I Love Boning’
Big Mike let’s us know that he “don’t care if you’re rich or middle class, ‘cos there’s no category for when it comes to waxin’ ass”. Thanks for the update, here I am turning down rich broads left and right like a yutz.
Donald D – ‘Just Suck’
Sure to melt the heart of the coldest of the ice princesses out there. “Instead of the mall, she’s feeling my balls/Up with the skirt – what? No drawls!”
Geto Boys – ‘Gangsta Of Love’
The remake with the music from ‘Sweet Home Arizona’ sucked balls. In the bad way.
Grand Daddy IU – ‘Girl In The Mall’
I.U. did more for shopping malls with this song than Biz‘s ‘Albee Square Mall’ ever could. Also advises that you make girls brush their teeth before they ‘check the mic’.
Ice T – ‘Girls L.G.B.N.A.F.’
Included for the title alone.
Kool G Rap – ‘Talk Like Sex’
Not sure if I mentioned this earlier, but the first time a dame ever gave me brain I had this song playing on the box. Too much information?
Scarface – ‘The Pimp’
Broad: “Holy shit Brad!”
Face: “Loosen up it won’t hurt so bad”
Willie D – ‘Kinky’
According to the Clean-Up Man, if you rub whipped cream on your legs, the hoes will scramble for it like eggs…if you’re into that kinda thing.
Bonus cut: Time Dog feat. Ultramagnetic – ‘Secret Fantasies’
Ever wanted to hear someone describe banging all four members of En Vogue? Me too.
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