Who Is Rap’s Ultimate MILF?

There are plenty of attractive women in hip-hop – the problem is that most of them are just nameless video chicks. When you examine the finest looking rap dames who’ve had kids, the field narrows considerably. Factor in such requirements as aging gracefully and not going mental, and the list is reduced to a mere slither. As a result of hours of extensive research, Unkut Dot Com been able to select what we consider to be the eight hottest rap MILF’s in the game and randomly match them up against each other on the basis of how good they looked way back when, how fly they still look and what talent they might possess to further add to their overall appeal. Sure, you might argue that this kind of objectification of women is further reinforcement of the ‘Man’s World’ mentality that dominates hip-hop, and you’d probably be correct. But spare a thought for the eye candy of limited ability who might otherwise never garner a mention in the columns of this fine website. Don’t they deserve their time to shine too?

Round 1

The Real Roxanne Vs Shorty No Mas

Face Off: Currently a grandmother (GILF, anyone?), the Real Roxanne (Adelaida Martinez) we all remember replaced the chick who appeared on the original UTFO track (Elease Jack) on the basis of being way hotter. Roxanne did wonders for hot-pants and lycra in the ‘Respect’ video, not to mention having impossibly big hair, which was all the rage in those days if my collection of 80’s Penthouse mags is any guide. Shorty No Mas was the sexy sounding broad who rocked on a few De La Soul joints and a cut with The Roots. Currently flaunting curves in all the right places and has the advantage of being a lot younger than most of the comp. Definite ‘Yummy Mummy’ status.

Verdict: The Real Roxanne was recently photographed swapping spit with The Kangol Kid in some kind of re-union/booty call stunt. Was also a shit rapper. Shorty, on the other hand, is a dope MC and still cute as hell.

Cheryl “Salt” James Vs Lady Tigra (L’Trimm)

Face Off: Salt always looked good, and when viewed next to the mannish attributes of Pepa she couldn’t help but look even better. Another one-time champion of spandex and pom-pom shorts, Cheryl has held-up pretty well over the years and now resembles a hot school teacher with her current goody two-shoes image. The longer hair/weave is also a definite plus. Tigra waited until Miami Bass/Electro came back into vogue before returning to music – turns out her ‘Speak ‘N Spell’ delivery is right at home with the current wave of hipster rappers, and she still has a pair of pins that Tina Turner would be proud of. Not sure if she’s actually had any kids, but she’s a lot more attractive than M.I.A.

Verdict: Salt became Born-Again following her nervous breakdown, making her both ‘damaged goods’ and ‘dead boring’. She’s also apparently fallen victim to an excessive plastic surgery habit. Lady Tigra, on the other hand, is obviously still getting effed-up every other night of the week and seems to enjoy dressing-up (which has limitless possibilities, obviously).

Monie Love vs Rah Digga

Face Off: Oh, to be in the middle of Monie…ever since she ditched that silly 80’s ‘rap haircut’ and grew it out, she’s morphed from cheeky tom boy to certified fox. To her credit, she managed to resist both Big Daddy Kane and Queen Latifah’s advances while on tour. Rah Digga was the First Lady of both The Outsiderz (with husband Young Zee) and The Flipmode Squad, and seems to veer between looking coolly attractive or resembling a bugged-out alien.. Also has a tendency to dress like a dominatrix and/or porn star in her videos.

Verdict: While Rah is a far better rapper than Monie ever was with her pretend American accent, her hard-edged beauty is no match for the fresh faced former Brit, who’s popped-out four kids and still looks the business.

Ladybug Mecca Vs Darlene Ortiz

Face Off: Despite having been a member of one of the most annoying rap groups ever (Digable Planets), Ladybug manages to look like a bad-ass dame and a hippy chick simultaneously, which gets her points for originality. Syndicate Queen Darlene may have never bust a rhyme on record (although there is footage of her rapping at a party in the 80’s), but she holds a place in hip-hop history that may never be matched. Now that she’s ditched that bum Ice-T, she’s pretty much unstoppable, as witnessed in her recreation of the Power album cover for King magazine.

Verdict: Ladybug looks like she could beat you up, and not in a fun way. Darlene, meanwhile, is the ultimate MILF, who has barley aged in twenty years.

Round 2

Shorty No Mas Vs Monie Love

Verdict: Close contest. Both possess a down to earth, natural beauty, but Monie has that extra touch of glamour to get your attention. In terms of MC abilities, Shorty is a billion times more alluring, and the very thought of waking-up to Monie’s annoying trans-Atlantic chatter is enough to kill the mood entirely.

Lady Tigra Vs Darlene

Verdict: Tigra has a major skeleton in her closet riding against her despite being in great shape – she once bedded Kid Rock backstage. Darelene on the other hand, actually seems to be improving with age and has no history of sleeping with any white trash rap-rock phenoms, unless you count Tracy’s stint with Body Count.

Final

Shorty No Mas Vs Darlene

Verdict: Possibly the most unfair fight since Nelly tried to take on KRS-One. Shorty No Mas is without a doubt a fly, round-the-way rap chick, but Darlene is the dame who even got the otherwise squeaky-clean LL Cool J to admit that he, “Took the album cover right home to the bathroom” after peeping Ms. Ortiz’ assets. A quick check of her MySpace reveals that even without make-up, Darlene is uber-hot. She’s on some ‘drink a tub of her bath water’, stone-cold super-fox type of level. All hail Rap’s hottest chick ever. When reached for comment, Ms. Ortiz replied, “Wow, I’m very honored”. As Wayne and Garth once said: “We’re not worthy!”

Who is Rap's Greatest MILF?

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51 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Shorty No Mas is a dime! Nice post man…

Comment by Robocop 03.11.09 @

Either Salt or Darlene, no questions asked.

Comment by Gotty™ 03.11.09 @

Finally – my daily ritual of jerking off and checking Unkut, taken care of in one fell swoop. This saved me so much time. Tigra ftw

Comment by Steve 03.11.09 @

Lady Tigra knows how to wobble that thang!

Comment by chronwell 03.11.09 @

Monie Love dropped a subpar debut,but I always thought she was FINE [ASS] HELL!!!! And that accent alone puts her over the top.

Comment by R.Jones 03.11.09 @

shorty no mas, damn… talk about around-the-way-filet… oooh baby, pass the tartar sauce please.

Comment by DANKWEED 03.11.09 @

Good ish here! But what about Yo Yo???

Comment by Vincent 03.11.09 @

Digable Planets were not annoying. P.M. Dawn was the most annoying rap group.

Comment by Stacia 03.11.09 @

*starts chant*Yo YO !!YO YO! YO YO!

Comment by chronwell 03.11.09 @

best…post….EVAR

Comment by P-Matik 03.11.09 @

Think you all need the shit washed out of your eyes.
But I’ll go with the syndicate queen Darlene.

Comment by farns 03.11.09 @

Shorty No Mas should’ve never made it out of the first round. She ain’t that cute frankly and if the final round shot of her is to be believed, she has no hips!

Comment by ian 03.11.09 @

LOL Monie Love. I wonder what Boss look like now?
Quality post.

Comment by farns 03.11.09 @

Darlene still has that body damn

Comment by geico lizard 03.11.09 @

Great post. IMO Terry fell TFO when he left Darlene. Undisputed dimepeezy. Coco 2 greasy.
And yeeesssss YN wus in a coma obvs to sleep on this feature. BAWSE.

Comment by em2wice 03.11.09 @

What about Pepa? She’s a MILF and is still sexy.

But Darlene is the the ultimate MILF with Pepa a close second.

Comment by Trent 03.11.09 @

This is awesome. What happened to my girl Smooth? I loved her back in the day.

Comment by HowfreshEats 03.11.09 @

What about Isis ? She was crazy fly…..But Darlene ” The Syndicate Queen ” takes the crown….Good post G…You gotta give the female some shines…..

Comment by shamz 03.11.09 @

How about MC Lyte? She had a certain something back in the day.

Comment by End Level Boss 03.11.09 @

How about MC Lyte? She had a certain something back in the day.

^ I was just about to say that too! She still has it going on tho!

Comment by KellEl 03.11.09 @

Pepa wins, no question. But damn, Darlene looks nice!

Comment by AaronM 03.11.09 @

MC Lyte don’t have kids ……. what about Angie Martinez

Comment by BlueHayze 03.11.09 @

This sucks. Where’s BWA for the 3 way action? You want MILF?

RE: WANDA DEE

Comment by AO 03.11.09 @

where the fuck is charli baltimore??

Comment by mh 03.11.09 @

damn no mention of Ms. Lauryn Hill??
i know she off her rocker a bit,but c’mon now..lyrically and physically she betta than half this list

Comment by dj blendz 03.11.09 @

L-Boogie didn’t make it because she looks like death warmed up these days.

Also anyone who hasn’t had a kid and/or doesn’t mess with dudes is disqualified.

Comment by Robbie 03.12.09 @

@ HowFreshEats!!! As I remember, Smooth died of a brain hoemorage (sic?)!!!

Comment by Brock 03.12.09 @

Real Roxanne is always going to be the queen…even if it looks like the Mexican w/ tight lil coochie has the most votes…Roxanne all day

Comment by MEMEI 03.12.09 @

monie love was robbed!

Comment by KQ 03.12.09 @

I don’t know, I see some shadiness here. Shorty No Mas wins round 2 on the strength of her rapping and then loses to the model (aka ringer) in the group?

My vote’s for Monie Love.

I have a great VHS tape with Ice T & Darlene showing off their crappy condo and the Celica that he transformed into a fake Ferrari with some fiberglass kit. It’s also got Tigra & Bunny bitching about how no one takes them serious and Chris Rock dissing Wild Style, great stuff.

Comment by Thunderthud 03.12.09 @

I was just wathcing this video of MC Lyte, and she is nice!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMhRtxjFY0k

But Darlene?? niiiiiiiiiiice

Comment by CENZI 03.12.09 @

I think Suga T from the Click has a kid. She’s cute. Does Neneh Cherry qualify as a rapper? Whatever happened to the Lady of Rage? You know, hoochies need love too. I’m guessing Lil Kim has no kids. Personally I want No Mas of Shorty No Mas. But that’s just me.

Comment by Dave 03.12.09 @

yeah where’s yo-yo?
man, monie is so hot…
4 kids!?
where’s bahamadia? she’s the female biz mark.

Comment by rappin duke 03.12.09 @

^^she’s off mumbling in a poets cafe in philly

Comment by dj blendz 03.12.09 @

Monie Love is my future wife.

FACT.

and this song is ass, but I could watch the video on mute for days…
http://video.aol.com/video-detail/monie-love-slice-of-da-pie/678346985

Comment by A to the L 03.12.09 @

I always thought Spinderella was fine

Comment by BIGSPICE 03.12.09 @

“Ladybug manages to look like a bad-ass dame and a hippy chick simultaneously”=wifey material

Comment by keatso 03.12.09 @

Yo robbie, what about Ms. Melody? LOL

Comment by Marc Davis 03.13.09 @

I know she was only married to a rap mogul, but Kimora Lee can get it….

Comment by Robocop 03.13.09 @

…until she opens her mouth. Kimora Lee has to be one the most annoying bitches on the planet. She’s a classic case of people not taking you seriously, and you’re the only one who doesn’t know.

If there were “I’d never hit a woman” exemptions, like some people have for infidelity, I think I’d use on of those on Kimora. I’d rather slap her than Ann Coulter.

Comment by digglahhh 03.14.09 @

man….Tigra is HOT!…how do you leave Spin outta this though? And, remember how everyone was on Foxy’s bra strap when she dropped? Not so much now.Funny how times change.

Comment by the sheik 03.14.09 @

“As a result of hours of extensive research”

BS Robbie, BS. You didn’t even have to go look … they were right there on your ‘special’ Memory Stick – Robbie’s MILF Files Vol.1-100(0).

Comment by ED209˚ 03.14.09 @

Yo, remember Solé ….. she was badass last time I seen a pic of her …. which was like back in ’99 lol

Comment by BlueHayze 03.14.09 @

At Digglahhh-
I hear you. I would love to hit Pink in the face with a shovel.

Comment by BIGSPICE 03.14.09 @

And of course I am talking about the terrible pop singer, not the legendary graff writer….

Comment by BIGSPICE 03.14.09 @

this post is so dope I HAD 2 come back for seconds…

Comment by em2wice 03.15.09 @

Lady tigra is fucking funny

Comment by Statchy 03.17.09 @

LAUREN HILL~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by C Style 03.18.09 @

Im honored to have come in second place to a Hip Hop MILF Legend. Thank you to everyone who voted for me!
-Shorty No Mas

Comment by Shorty No Mas 03.19.09 @

Spinderella needed a shout out

Comment by Salty Fisherman 03.29.09 @

Ladybug Mecca is The One.

Comment by Dave Gee 01.27.10 @



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