There are plenty of attractive women in hip-hop – the problem is that most of them are just nameless video chicks. When you examine the finest looking rap dames who’ve had kids, the field narrows considerably. Factor in such requirements as aging gracefully and not going mental, and the list is reduced to a mere slither. As a result of hours of extensive research, Unkut Dot Com been able to select what we consider to be the eight hottest rap MILF’s in the game and randomly match them up against each other on the basis of how good they looked way back when, how fly they still look and what talent they might possess to further add to their overall appeal. Sure, you might argue that this kind of objectification of women is further reinforcement of the ‘Man’s World’ mentality that dominates hip-hop, and you’d probably be correct. But spare a thought for the eye candy of limited ability who might otherwise never garner a mention in the columns of this fine website. Don’t they deserve their time to shine too?

Round 1

The Real Roxanne Vs Shorty No Mas

Face Off: Currently a grandmother (GILF, anyone?), the Real Roxanne (Adelaida Martinez) we all remember replaced the chick who appeared on the original UTFO track (Elease Jack) on the basis of being way hotter. Roxanne did wonders for hot-pants and lycra in the ‘Respect’ video, not to mention having impossibly big hair, which was all the rage in those days if my collection of 80’s Penthouse mags is any guide. Shorty No Mas was the sexy sounding broad who rocked on a few De La Soul joints and a cut with The Roots. Currently flaunting curves in all the right places and has the advantage of being a lot younger than most of the comp. Definite ‘Yummy Mummy’ status.

Verdict: The Real Roxanne was recently photographed swapping spit with The Kangol Kid in some kind of re-union/booty call stunt. Was also a shit rapper. Shorty, on the other hand, is a dope MC and still cute as hell.

Cheryl “Salt” James Vs Lady Tigra (L’Trimm)

Face Off: Salt always looked good, and when viewed next to the mannish attributes of Pepa she couldn’t help but look even better. Another one-time champion of spandex and pom-pom shorts, Cheryl has held-up pretty well over the years and now resembles a hot school teacher with her current goody two-shoes image. The longer hair/weave is also a definite plus. Tigra waited until Miami Bass/Electro came back into vogue before returning to music – turns out her ‘Speak ‘N Spell’ delivery is right at home with the current wave of hipster rappers, and she still has a pair of pins that Tina Turner would be proud of. Not sure if she’s actually had any kids, but she’s a lot more attractive than M.I.A.

Verdict: Salt became Born-Again following her nervous breakdown, making her both ‘damaged goods’ and ‘dead boring’. She’s also apparently fallen victim to an excessive plastic surgery habit. Lady Tigra, on the other hand, is obviously still getting effed-up every other night of the week and seems to enjoy dressing-up (which has limitless possibilities, obviously).

Monie Love vs Rah Digga

Face Off: Oh, to be in the middle of Monie…ever since she ditched that silly 80’s ‘rap haircut’ and grew it out, she’s morphed from cheeky tom boy to certified fox. To her credit, she managed to resist both Big Daddy Kane and Queen Latifah’s advances while on tour. Rah Digga was the First Lady of both The Outsiderz (with husband Young Zee) and The Flipmode Squad, and seems to veer between looking coolly attractive or resembling a bugged-out alien.. Also has a tendency to dress like a dominatrix and/or porn star in her videos.

Verdict: While Rah is a far better rapper than Monie ever was with her pretend American accent, her hard-edged beauty is no match for the fresh faced former Brit, who’s popped-out four kids and still looks the business.

Ladybug Mecca Vs Darlene Ortiz

Face Off: Despite having been a member of one of the most annoying rap groups ever (Digable Planets), Ladybug manages to look like a bad-ass dame and a hippy chick simultaneously, which gets her points for originality. Syndicate Queen Darlene may have never bust a rhyme on record (although there is footage of her rapping at a party in the 80’s), but she holds a place in hip-hop history that may never be matched. Now that she’s ditched that bum Ice-T, she’s pretty much unstoppable, as witnessed in her recreation of the Power album cover for King magazine.

Verdict: Ladybug looks like she could beat you up, and not in a fun way. Darlene, meanwhile, is the ultimate MILF, who has barley aged in twenty years.

Round 2

Shorty No Mas Vs Monie Love

Verdict: Close contest. Both possess a down to earth, natural beauty, but Monie has that extra touch of glamour to get your attention. In terms of MC abilities, Shorty is a billion times more alluring, and the very thought of waking-up to Monie’s annoying trans-Atlantic chatter is enough to kill the mood entirely.

Lady Tigra Vs Darlene

Verdict: Tigra has a major skeleton in her closet riding against her despite being in great shape – she once bedded Kid Rock backstage. Darelene on the other hand, actually seems to be improving with age and has no history of sleeping with any white trash rap-rock phenoms, unless you count Tracy’s stint with Body Count.

Final

Shorty No Mas Vs Darlene

Verdict: Possibly the most unfair fight since Nelly tried to take on KRS-One. Shorty No Mas is without a doubt a fly, round-the-way rap chick, but Darlene is the dame who even got the otherwise squeaky-clean LL Cool J to admit that he, “Took the album cover right home to the bathroom” after peeping Ms. Ortiz’ assets. A quick check of her MySpace reveals that even without make-up, Darlene is uber-hot. She’s on some ‘drink a tub of her bath water’, stone-cold super-fox type of level. All hail Rap’s hottest chick ever. When reached for comment, Ms. Ortiz replied, “Wow, I’m very honored”. As Wayne and Garth once said: “We’re not worthy!”

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