‘Before I Self Destruct’ Movie Review
Wednesday November 25th 2009,
Filed under: DVD's,Good Googly Moogly,Not Your Average,Reviews
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^ This dame is the only thing you’ll remember from this film.

What do you do when you’re a bored millionaire who isn’t selling records like you used to and has to resort to cheap stunts to keep his name in the news? You make another shitty movie, that’s what. Unlike 8 Mile Part 2 Get Rich Or Die Trying, where 50 Cent was able to convince Oscar winning director Jim Sheridan to try and deliver something beyond the typical ‘hood’ movie, this time around he’s gone back to basics. That’s right, your boy Curtis Jackson wrote, directed and starred in this future classic of modern cinema…

If you wanted to write the most played-out, cliche-ridden script for a rapsploitation flick, what would some of the key ingredients have to be? Let’s start with a promising basketball player, who has his dreams of making it to the pro cut short short by a knee injury, shall we? Now all we need is some kind of motivation for this kid to enter a life of crime…how about his moms gets killed while she’s buying some milk? Perfect! Right, the next thing we need is someone to show off his caring and sharing side…would a genius-level academic whiz-kid younger brother do the trick? Bingo! OK, so now that out hero has no choice but to become the ultimate hitman, what could possibly be his weakness? How about a hot broad? Boo-ya! This thing writes itself.

To be fair, this film does have it’s moments. The scene in the pool hall, which features Treach and his boy scheming on robbing Curtis’ character – Clarence – is comedy gold, as one dude checks out the dame he’s playing pool with and declares that he plans to ‘lock that bitch in my basement and donkey-fuck her for two weeks!’ Sadly, nothing in Before I Self Destruct ever reaches the level of classic ignorance achieved in Killa Season, so I’m afraid there aren’t any scenes of 50 spitting on little girls or pissing on dudes he just kicked the living shit out of. Watching Clarence in action as a hitman is also pretty amusing, as conducts public executions in broad daylight or in front of dozens of witnesses without anyone so much as calling the cops, but that’s about as good as it gets.

We also catch glimpses of a couple of sub-plots revolving around Clarence’s brother Shocka buying some protection from bullies at school while fielding scholarship offers from every Ivy League college in America (really), as well as Clarence hanging out with his boss/father figure Sean (Clifton Powell, the only decent actor in this clusterfuck), who invites him for a BBQ with the wife and later informs him that he’s slamming her with ’10 inches of dick and balls every night’ for some bizarre reason. Also disturbing was the scene where Clarence’s girlfriend, Princess, tells him that she should have asked his 13 year-old brother if he knew what her pussy would feel like after failing to stump him with trivia questions…what kind of sicko wrote this thing again? Oh, right…

Another odd moment is early in the film when Clarence is in a car and the guy behind the wheel is bumping a 50 Cent song. The driver declares, ‘This is hot! You don’t like it?’ Clarence ignores him, and appears unimpressed with the music. Is this 50′s attempt to break the fourth wall of cinema? Regardless, if you feel like wasting 80 minutes of your worthless life on our generation’s answer to Citizen Kane, go ahead and do you. You could always play a round of ‘Where’s Lloyd Banks’, as the monotone miracle makes an uncredited cameo.


37 Comments so far
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Without even seeing this I already knew it was Curtis answer to those home movies Killa was killing him with way back in 07. He still hasn’t recovered… CUUUURRRRY

Comment by Plain Rap Medski 11.25.09 @

I like BISD the album a lot but haven’t dared the dvd… In fact, I ** thought ** I was getting the Jam Master Jay documentary so I was like… what’s this fuckery? Now I now.

Still haven’t seen the Cam but I’ll stand up for “Murda Muzik” as not-awful at all, really, or not only awful. That’s some hometown pride (scenes shot outside Red Hook Houses rather than QB because it’s easier to there do without permits), sure, but maybe Curtis should have asked Prodigy to help with the screenplay?

Comment by Willis Still Sunsweet, WWIB 11.25.09 @

whose the girl?

Comment by phd 11.25.09 @

Wow, faggy Aussie doesn’t like hood movie; Who would have thought different?

JihaD

Comment by JihaD 11.25.09 @

jihad is the great defender of all things 50.

too bad there are only 150,000 people like you still left. otherwise, his first week numbers would have been better.

Comment by jihad you fail 11.25.09 @

hilarious review!! Got me rolling. Props!

Also the ending was cut mad short like Fifty just ran out of interest in the film.

Banks playing a high school teacher is pretty hilarious.

Comment by yorapper 11.25.09 @

I guess u woulda made a better movie huh?! Bum ass nigga!

Comment by kdot 11.25.09 @

Seriously, if you like 50 Cent just shoot yourself.

Really.

Comment by haroon 11.25.09 @

This review was all hate… The movie was actually pretty good but the business of haten on 50 Cent is big so I get what homie doing… Kudos I hope Curtis keeps paying your bills…..

Watched the movie it wasnt a waste of time and was better than law and order reruns.. Not to mention the hot lesbo portion that was good shit!

Comment by Steve 11.25.09 @

when he fuckd that chick in the shower that had to have been an homage to dmx and hicks in belly.

Comment by shabooty 11.25.09 @

honey looks like alicia keys but way more down for 10 inches of dick and balls every night.

mad lols at “faggy Aussie”.

Movie sounds like a doozie….

Comment by gx 11.25.09 @

Wow… I mean 4real did u watch this thinkin it would be an oscar award movie… what standards are u using? Its a hood movie simple n plain… whoever wrote this has to have had sprayed on some “jealousy for men” when he watched this… this shit is deff better than killa season… if anything it beats that movie on the fact that the editing is better. It was a cool flick I’m jus wonderin if there is a version out there that has the jmj movie too?

Comment by watta 11.25.09 @

this is pure unadultered hate!!. Like homie said before, this isn’t an oscar type of movie, its a hood movie. wayyyyyyyy better than killa season. Killa season was only good for the straight up ignorance in itself.

Comment by madmega 11.25.09 @

This is the shyt if you just compare it to all rapper movies……I’m Bout It still reign supreme in all rapper movies….then Belly….then..shyt..idk..Lol….but this was def better then Killa Season

Comment by LouieBoi314 11.25.09 @

Seriously, if you like 50 Cent just shoot yourself.

Really.
^^^
Really?I enjoy some 50 ignorance and shall be doing no such fuckin thing.

Comment by Smear 11.26.09 @

@phd: Sasha Delvalle.

Comment by Robbie 11.26.09 @

…When asked why he’d put out such a film 50′s only response was “Cuz I’m NICE!”…if you watched the film you’ll remember the comedic goal that was that line haha

Comment by greg 11.26.09 @

I totally agree
———
This review was all hate… The movie was actually pretty good but the business of haten on 50 Cent is big so I get what homie doing… Kudos I hope Curtis keeps paying your bills…..

Watched the movie it wasnt a waste of time and was better than law and order reruns.. Not to mention the hot lesbo portion that was good shit!

Comment by Steve 11.25.09 @

Comment by Myke Wayne 11.26.09 @

Sasha del Valle definitely rules. That’s something that nobody will argue with, I hope.

Comment by Antonio 11.26.09 @

Hot women as a redeeming factor of a 80-minute movie, really? Y’all sound like a bunch of high school girls in 1993 watching Keanu Reeves flicks or something. But, that was probably defensible on their part, since the internet didn’t really exist back then. You want to watch ghetto-looking bitches with big tits? You’re already on the internet, I heard there’s porn here.

Comment by digglahhh 11.27.09 @

the movie was straight garbage… it took me 3 days to through the entire thing b/c i kept finding better shit to do than to continue to watch, but i was determined to finish… the plot was predictable, the dialogue was horrible, and ending was as unsurprising as the rest of the film… i dont know if i should be disappointed with 50 or upset with myself for watching the whole thing

Comment by reyshizz 11.27.09 @

Yall are all haters even if you dont like 50 dont hate on his movie the movie is very very good I already watched it twice and will watch it again and I tell others to watch it as well. This was a hell of a great movie.

Comment by Tori 11.28.09 @

that’s a great image, classic combo

Comment by andy@chicks_n_kicks 11.30.09 @

yea,this review was hate,
this was a good hood movie,
acting was pretty good,story line was solid,
dunno what you watched,but review writer is a hater.
even the ending was good. especially if you compare to killa seasons,and im a cam fan

Comment by Tropicana 11.30.09 @

This movie was a good hood movie. We watched it in the barbershop and the only bad comment on it was about how the movie ended. 50 was a believable character and his girlfriend and the lesbian chicks might have been the tightest looking actresses I’ve seen in a long time.

Comment by Redhill 12.02.09 @

I actually enjoyed the movie maybe you were expecting too much, and why do you sound like a fucking hater.

Comment by Rob 12.06.09 @

I actually njoyed this flick …
Some scences were abit akward to watch thou…actually@ im going to take that comment back the movie is brutal by far …..dont even break it open ..his album is rubbish also …save yaself the money hell knows we all need it …

Comment by Killahh bee Dublin 12.08.09 @

MAN… OK U MITE COULD GUEST WAT WUZ GON HAPPEN IN THE FILM BUT COMPARED 2 SUM OF DA SHIT CUM OUT ON FILM THESE DAYS I GIV IT A FAT A+++ CUZ IT WUZ A REAL GOOD MOVIE.. 2 ALL YA HATEN ASS NIGGAS

Comment by GB_(EASTSIDE GARY) 12.14.09 @

This movie is popin first off. It show real street shit and at the end of da day it get a oscar in da hood b/c if your moms get killed and u gotta youngin 2 feed, you’re gonna get dat paper anyway possible or stay in a fucked up position.50 Movie showed he wanted to do good and keep his brother out da streets.He did dat but sum niggas can get caught up on da wrong bitch ,n he did. Not all us shorites is grimy but dis show all ma niggas & bitches wen u gettin nice shit u could easily get setup 4 bullshit. I hope theres a part 2 b/c dat shorty gotta get bodied! I literally watched dis movie like 5 r 6 times b/c the end shocked the hell out of me and its a good movie period.Everyone who sayin dis movie was wack need to understand shit like dat really be happenin to niggas and ma son 50 put it out dere. If its “wack” rewatch dat shit and i guarantee ya rating go up cuz you’ll understand more … Shoutouts 2 50

Comment by Thickums 01.02.10 @

I am not a 50 fan,infact i think he’s an arrogant big mouthed jerk,but i have 2 say kudos 2 this movie.During the Thanksgiving holiday my brother brought the movie over. i was cooking but kept watching the screen from the kitchen.After the family went home I asked my husband about the movie they were watching while i was cooking and he told me.It just so happened that my brother left it at my house,i watched and 2 my dismay,enjoyed it so much that i went out and bought the cd just so that i could add the movie 2 my collection!!!I can’t wait 4 part 2!!!

Comment by A Seasoned Woman 01.10.10 @

well yeah all this is true.
but f*** you for hatin.
he’s doin it Big & gettin his money..
Nigga what have You Done ??

Comment by ReCkLesS BeHaVioR 01.18.10 @

This review is shitty. This must be what happens when a gucci mane-loving internet nerd tries to be a critic. Epic Fail! And fuck all yall niggas dats hatin on 50, he gettin money while yall bitches are on yall aunts old ass computer haha faggots

Comment by theboyace 01.31.10 @

The author is a straight hater!

Comment by Shellz 02.18.10 @

fucking haters hahahahaha

Comment by shameek 03.30.10 @

I never bought a 50 Cent album. I don’t think much of him as an entertainer. Of course I wouldn’t have purchased this movie. I streamed it. It’s very cliched and predictable. Still entertaining though. Not the home camcorder look like say.. “I’m Bout It” -Master P. It’s actually not a bad movie.

This ausshole was definately hating on the movie. Had Eminem had done it, this kangaroo’s auss would be bustin nuts all over themselves about it. Just like people did “8 Mile” as if “Krush Groove” and “WildStyle” never existed before it.

FOGGY AUSSIE = EPIC FAIL

Comment by NoFoggyAussie 07.13.10 @

The Movie Goes Pretty Hard . 50 Gets down in the movie . I always Thought 50 was a Wack ass Rapper but Nah I was thinkin wrong I heard a couple songs and he speaks some real shit
The Part The I was Kinda MAD it was at the end when that Bitch Fucks around !
50 CENT IS A STRAIGHT HOGG BOSS

Comment by Robert 04.14.12 @

I liked the movie but the ending had me wondering

Comment by John 05.26.13 @



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