The Unkut Guide To Rap Battles That Never Happened
Friday August 27th 2010,
Filed under: Features,Shots Fired,The Unkut Guide
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If there is one tried-and-tested topic of talk to get rap addicts animated, it’s imaginary battles. You know, shit like, ‘What would have happened if the Fu-Schnickens had squared-off against Das-Efx, yo?’ OK, maybe not so much that example, but you get the idea. Here are a few to chew over:

LL Cool J vs Kool Moe Dee, circa 1985: Like it or not, but Teddy Riley‘s syrupy New Jack tracks lost the war for KMD when he took it to Jack The Ripper in the late 80’s. But if LL had tried to take-out Moe Dee in ’84, ’85, when he was still wet behind the ears? The Space Invader of Rap would have buried Todd.

KRS-One vs. Rakim, Big Daddy Kane and Kool G Rap: Maybe it was all that Crazy Glue I was huffing this afternoon, but I have a feeling that KS-One in his prime could have taken out any of these three legends in a live face-off. Ra and G Rap were never really battle specialists to my knowledge, and even though Kane wrecked a few contenders in his early days, I’ve got a feeling that the Blastmaster‘s off-the-head ability and general blood-thirsty attitude when you caught him on an off day could have been enough to knock the mighty Dark Gable onto the canvas, in the right conditions.

Mikey D vs. LL Cool J: After they used to run together in the early days, Mikey Destruction was that dude in terms of street MC’s while LL was the crown prince of rap records. Mikey later took some shots at Todd on ‘I Get Rough’, but based on my research it’s safe to say that Mikey would have ate LL toe-to-toe in ’87.

Fu-Schnickens Vs. Lords of the Underground: Imagine two of hip-hop’s most annoying groups facing off in a battle royale to see who could do the most stupid/gimmicky voices? #NoShots of course…

Big Daddy Kane vs. Rakim: You love to hear the stories, again and again… I’ve got to admit, if these two actually had time to prepare for a battle of pre-written raps, this would have have caused the universe to implode on account of how mind-blowing it would have been. Kane for the win, naturally.

Just-Ice vs. Blaq Poet: This was almost a battle that happened with shotguns rather than microphones, but seeing these two legendary tough guys box it out in a war of words would have been some ill shit. Winner? Nah Touch Da Just.

K-Solo Vs. Melachi The Nutcracker: Kevin Maddison would have easily knocked the Group Home resident to the canvas in a battle of rhymes, but if they actually got to box each other? I can’t call it.

Memphis Bleek vs. Spliff Starr: Weed carrier wars. Most people would be more interested in who could construct the best blunt.

Bushwick Bill vs. Bar None: Midget Rap Cage Match…aka The Vertically Challenged Conflict Resolution for you sensitive types. Bar None wouldn’t have a ghost of a chance against rap’s shortest cyclops.

Milk D vs. Ad Rock: These guys already battled to see who could break the most glass on the high-pitched theme song ‘Spam’, voted as the greatest rap song ever by the world’s canine population.

Heavy D vs. Chubb Rock: Who was the Ultimate Rap Fat Guy Before Biggie? Hopefully this one involved a pie eating contest instead of any rapping.

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50 Comments so far
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> Hopefully this one involved a pie eating contest instead of any rapping.

I hope you’re not insinuating Chubb Rock couldn’t spit??! Dude was nice! And Heavy D, while more of a commercial rapper, wasn’t exactly wack either….

Comment by @Stellaskid 08.27.10 @

^ Not at all, but if ‘Stand By Me’ taught me anything, a pie eating contest is always good value.

Comment by Robbie 08.27.10 @

Grand puba vs murder mase
Not prettyboy mase but murder

Comment by jay 08.27.10 @

LOL @ the LOTU and FU comment.

Chubb Rock is the man though. Honestly, he could hold his own against Biggie let alone Heavy D.

Comment by haroon 08.27.10 @

I always found myself cringing wheneva Melachi part come on in that first GH album,but compared to what’s out now Melachi sound like a rhyme professor..BTW dont sleep on Chubb Rock, that boy was nice.

Comment by dj blendz 08.27.10 @

KRS vs.G.rap,Ra,& Kane??? That battle would have had to have happened on wax(cassette,etc.)I mean honestly how many of their fans could have seen the live battle?How many fans saw-Rapmania?-LOL
On records there would have been no way KRS would have defeated ANY OF THE AFOREMENTIONED emcees in combat,”hungry”or not that dude would have starved”.G rap was in his prime,and Kane & Ra referred to eachother as”competition”…Kris was that dude back then…but battling ALL 3 would ahve been,”suicide,it’s a suicide ehh-LOL

Comment by R.Jones 08.27.10 @

kool moe dee ate todd’s lunch-dude just had worst beats imaginable.rakim and g rap were studio battlers while kane and krs were stage battlers.personally i go with krs because he could go straight to pervert mode with it and not give a fuck.rakim>kane in a pre written style battle but kane would kill him off the head.biz markie>chubb rock/heavy d-dude could rock a party without rapping.

Comment by 4:20 08.27.10 @

“Not at all, but if ‘Stand By Me’ taught me anything, a pie eating contest is always good value.”

^lol You got a point.

Comment by hl 08.27.10 @

Lil’ Kim vs. Nicky Minaj

If Biggie wasn’t writing her rhymes Kim would be basura. Nicky Minaj would eat her and then eat her.

Finito.

Comment by Dallas 08.27.10 @

’84/’85 LL was already better than the Kool Moe Dee of the same period (Moe Dee really peaked as a with the T3 singles on Enjoy, imo). Just compare their records from that period and LL’s radio freestyle over It’s Yours from 1985 is just a completely hardbody version of the style Moe Dee never really developed properly.

Comment by brian beck 08.28.10 @

I always found myself cringing wheneva Melachi part come on in that first GH album,but compared to what’s out now Melachi sound like a rhyme professor..BTW dont sleep on Chubb Rock, that boy was nice.

Comment by dj blendz 08.27.10 @
^^^^^
Yo, nobody was saying Melachi was wack back in the day…now all of the sudden I hear people hating on Group Home. Yo, I’ll admit he’s not a great emcee, but his style and delivery and shit suited that particular look. I bump the fuck outta that shit to this day. You cats on here think NORE is nice, pfff.

Comment by the nutcracker 08.28.10 @

Sounds stupid but Fu-Schnickens would body LOTUG. Sort of.

Comment by A'Peks 08.28.10 @

Big Daddy Kane vs. Rakim: Kane for the win, naturally.

But this one would take years to realize that it was actually Rakim who killed BDK.

As for KRS… name ONE MC that could get at him. Any MC at their prime vrs. KRS at his prime, lose.

Comment by cenzi 08.28.10 @

I was just listening to “Coming Of Age” by Jay-Z w/ Memphis Bleek. Weed. Carriers. Anthem.

Comment by A'Peks 08.28.10 @

Chubb Rock’s verse on “Crooklyn Dodgers Part Two” is fucking amazing, it’s good to see dudes leaping to his defence on here! Unkut’s got the most well-informed readers, for sure! And I’m with you on KRS-ONE, Cenzi…the sheer FORCE of Kris’ character would be enough to overwhelm some emcees, regardless of whether he was “having an off day”…

Comment by vollsticks 08.28.10 @

KRS for the win, that dude has pre-cognitive rap powers IMO. You can just hear it in his raps, the old ones at least, he divined what was gonna be spit out of his mouth. Its eerie at times.

I wouldn’t even fight Bushwick and I’m a full grown man. Even if he didn’t have Chucky as his tag team partner I still would tap out.

And Chubb Rock would eat Heavy D (not literally).

And not to disrespect the fallen O.G.s but I would have loved to see an onstage rap battle between 2pac and Biggie so that all the fanboys would finally squash their stupid theories on the matter. Also because the shit would’ve been epic.

Comment by gstatty 08.28.10 @

This whole post is basically Hip Hop Fan Fiction. It gets no nerdier.

Comment by keatso 08.28.10 @

@keatso: A nerdy article on a rap blog? Who’d a thunk it…

Comment by Robbie 08.28.10 @

“Yo, nobody was saying Melachi was wack back in the day…now all of the sudden I hear people hating on Group Home”

He was wack,u probably just aint wanna admit it.I was saying that when the album came out,no matter how dope preemo beats was, he wasn’t saving Melachi.that’s just my opinion

Comment by dj blendz 08.28.10 @

i thought everybody thought Melachi was wack even back then ? name one who thought he was nice on the mic ?? he was just saved by Premos amazing beats and Lil Daps pretty nice verses…still love that album tho

Comment by Frankenstein 08.28.10 @

Just because he wasn’t Rakim and shit doesn’t make him wack. They can’t all be great, Melachi was average on superior production. What did he say that was so wack??
Again, Nore’s face is on unkut on the regular and that dude is pure trash on the mic. All I hear is yo, that war report is classic. Run it back and listen to how horrible Nore is. The same goes for Prodigy, he’s garbage. If Melachi is wack so are those 2.

Comment by the nutcracker 08.29.10 @

Melachi > NORE

Comment by A'Peks 08.29.10 @

NORE>Melachi

NORE’s a funny dude. Lil Dap wasnt too bad though.

Comment by Victor 08.29.10 @

Prodigy was wack back in ’95? You could probably say that now but to say he was as bad as Melachi and Nore? You might wanna revisit that Infamous album again.Even the ’10 version of Prodigy better than both those dudes imo

Comment by dj blendz 08.29.10 @

If you knew Melachi personally, then you loved his raps … Mainly because he was liable to back up any of his outrageous raps at any given moment.

Myself, I used to fast forward through Lil Daps rhymes and just listen to the Nutcracker.

Comment by Tango 08.29.10 @

Melachi was pretty horrible, street cred or not. Dap was aiight, but the beats saved both of ‘em and still made the album listenable.

Comment by The Funkologist 08.30.10 @

I thought Melachi was trash ever since “Words From The Nutcraker” on Hard To Earn. Lil Dap saved that group home album from being complete lyrical trash. Back in the day I thought Rakim would kill Kane. In retrospect, I see that it would have been a lot closer. It depends on who they were battling in front of. If you had a good amount of thinkers in the crowd that caught shit fairly quickly, I’d say Ra. As far as KRS goes, although I still think Rakim is one of the greatest lyricists ever, I wouldn’t be keeping it funky if I said he’d beat KRS in a live setting. However, take it on wax…”Lyrics Of Fury” would do KRS dirty. Here’s a battle that should go down: Redman vs. his down south mini-me, Ludacris. What y’all think?

Comment by oskamadison 08.30.10 @

^ I’m gonna go Funk Doc Spock for the win on that one… Reggie Noble would talk about blowin snot on that nigga ‘Cris. Red would go gutta on that cat from jump…’Cris would funny up for sure but as soon as he started in on ANY tuff talk; I’d be like ” I AINT BUYIN IT!”

Comment by bboycult 08.30.10 @

First off, Chubb Rock is the motherfuckin man. He stole the show on the last episode of YO! Mtv raps with his freestyle (against the likes of KRS, Rakim, etc). I would have liked to see Wu-Tang have a civil war battle off, since motherfuckas talk about that shit all the time. I am going with Meth or Inspekta Deck. I would also like to see group vs group between De La and A Tribe. De La all day…. And Group Home’s album was,, fuck that, IS dope, but it’s not because of Melachi’s skills!

Comment by BIGSPICE 08.30.10 @

Chip Fu was always dope on those old Fu-Schnickens records. Sure, his sound effects and lyrical content were gimmicky at times but at the end of the day he was talented and entertaining. Plus he was the very first rapper to break the sound barrier with his flow, lol.

Comment by crusher 08.30.10 @

Sick thoughts on my mind with no self-control
Uplift your soul and make the brothers wanna roll
Sixteen years old with heart that’s gold
Yo check it check it out like this, here we go
Run around the streets cold strapped like an alley rat
But now I’m gettin much props like a fat cat
A young mack but I don’t think I’m all that
I just can’t sweat another brother’s bozack
So what the fuck, y’all movin on up
Gonna swim in big bucks, like Scrooge McDuck
And if ya don’t like and you wanna step up
Then open your mouth, and suck my nuts
Melachi the Nutcracker, I’m always gettin blacker
Fatter, I bust a fat rhyme to make your head shatter
I’m from the Bronx, New York City
The big fuckin Apple where the niggaz get busy
God bless the dead, and God rest my pops
Peace to the niggaz goin out bustin shots…

It rhymed, made sense and overall wasn’t that bad. Sounds like your basic lil freestyle to me.
Quit hatin.

Comment by the nutcracker 08.30.10 @

Here’s a battle that didn’t happen, but kind of did. DMX vs. Canibus for the post Hard Knock Life future of mainstream hip hop.

We can certainly debate the merits of Bis’s artistry and musical career, but at the time when both he and DMX were vying for the opportunity to be that guy, Canibus was just destroying shit uncannily. I was never a big fan of Earl Simmons, I’ll admit my bias, but when it dawned on me that “the people” were choosing a man barking like a dog with quotables like “protected by Viper, stand back” over mister “I speak in frequencies dogs would have trouble hearing” it was one of those ah-ha moments to me. Maybe I’m overstating the significance here, but this really struck me as a milestone in the general devolution of the hip hop fanbase.

Comment by digglahhh 08.30.10 @

red vs ludacris-ludacris couldn’t even wash reggie’s underwear.

Comment by 4:20 08.30.10 @

That Meleachi rhyme is decent, I think. How old was he when he recorded that. I’m guessing 18-19 tops? Put that rhyme over anything but a vintage Primo track though and I don’t know what I’d think.

Comment by A'Peks 08.30.10 @

Oh, uh… I guess he was “Sixteen years old with a heart that’s gold.” D’ur.

I’m drinking.

Comment by A'Peks 08.30.10 @

Dude sed “I rhyme for more milleniums than mazda got on a car lot”…always thought that was clever

Comment by mercilesz 08.31.10 @

Dude actually took the time to type an ENTIRE Melachi verse? Not clowning or anything but…wow. I never liked Canibis. I always thought dude was overrated as hell. Next topic. In the “WTF is he talkin’ about?” category: Ghostface (circa “Supreme Clientele”) vs. Kool Keith (circa…hell, any era). What y’all think?

Comment by oskamadison 08.31.10 @

^ Kool Keith, he has a history of putting bodies in dumpsters forfucksake.

Comment by Theilf 08.31.10 @

Everyone hating on nutcracker cause he didnt rhyme complex – man he made those tracks sound dope thats why preemo made an album with him -

Comment by D.Baskett 09.01.10 @

‘Spam’, voted as the greatest rap song ever by the world’s canine population. Classic. Kool Rock Ski would have taken out Heavy D but probably not Chubb. Spliff Star for the better blunts; Busta smokes Jigga doesn’t except when he “contradicts himself.” and Spliff Star? that says it all.

Comment by Matt 09.01.10 @

Chubb was a monsta. He and biggie would have been epic.

KRS, in his prime, was untouchable. I don’t care what kool g rap, another lyrical monster whom I feel was closest to KRSs skillset at the time, says. He was apart from all the other rappers at the time. He was a battle rapper who’s rap was engineered for battle first, wax second. The other rappers had it twisted up. My $0.02

Comment by corporatereward 09.01.10 @

Lil Kim vs. Antoinette. woulda been special.

Comment by corporatereward 09.01.10 @

hey robbie on this topic do you know who G Rap dissed at the end of Poison? (or was it Men at Work) i think Poison, “you wack sap sucka” or something like that, as a spoken part not a rhyme

Comment by Matt 09.01.10 @

Lord Finesse vs. Grandaddy IU …lord finesses his way to victory in a nailbiter.

Kool Keith vs. Gza …Genius gets by Kool Keith. spotaneous cranial explosions in the crowd put a stop to the battle. Go to the score cards.

Comment by corporatereward 09.01.10 @

Think the name needs to be changed to the nutsacker for Melachi’s fanboy..

Comment by Beatlover 09.01.10 @

I doubt these rappers that you just named would have anything god to say in a battle it’s good that these battles didn’t come out.

Comment by Misfit Marx 09.02.10 @

“Lil’ Kim vs. Nicky Minaj

If Biggie wasn’t writing her rhymes Kim would be basura. Nicky Minaj would eat her and then eat her.”

Awesome.

Comment by Kid Captain Coolout 09.03.10 @

Wasn’t it supposed to be K-Solo vs DMX with that whole Spell bound thing?

Das EFX vs LOTUG

Royal Flush vs Mic Geronimo

Comment by Mec0ne 09.03.10 @

@corporatereward & oskamadison: kool keith for the win always, dude was rappin when those guys were eatin fruitloops in their onesies, plus once kool keith whips out his peepee (II) styles its over.

Comment by gstatty 09.03.10 @

KILLA SHA “NEVER GONE STOP” PRODUCED BY: LARGE PROFESSOR INFO @ http://www.thedropnyc.com/music/

Comment by AshBoogie 09.04.10 @



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