Filed under: Features,Shots Fired,The Unkut Guide
Written by: Robbie Ettelson
If there is one tried-and-tested topic of talk to get rap addicts animated, it’s imaginary battles. You know, shit like, ‘What would have happened if the Fu-Schnickens had squared-off against Das-Efx, yo?’ OK, maybe not so much that example, but you get the idea. Here are a few to chew over:
LL Cool J vs Kool Moe Dee, circa 1985: Like it or not, but Teddy Riley‘s syrupy New Jack tracks lost the war for KMD when he took it to Jack The Ripper in the late 80’s. But if LL had tried to take-out Moe Dee in ’84, ’85, when he was still wet behind the ears? The Space Invader of Rap would have buried Todd.
KRS-One vs. Rakim, Big Daddy Kane and Kool G Rap: Maybe it was all that Crazy Glue I was huffing this afternoon, but I have a feeling that KS-One in his prime could have taken out any of these three legends in a live face-off. Ra and G Rap were never really battle specialists to my knowledge, and even though Kane wrecked a few contenders in his early days, I’ve got a feeling that the Blastmaster‘s off-the-head ability and general blood-thirsty attitude when you caught him on an off day could have been enough to knock the mighty Dark Gable onto the canvas, in the right conditions.
Mikey D vs. LL Cool J: After they used to run together in the early days, Mikey Destruction was that dude in terms of street MC’s while LL was the crown prince of rap records. Mikey later took some shots at Todd on ‘I Get Rough’, but based on my research it’s safe to say that Mikey would have ate LL toe-to-toe in ’87.
Fu-Schnickens Vs. Lords of the Underground: Imagine two of hip-hop’s most annoying groups facing off in a battle royale to see who could do the most stupid/gimmicky voices? #NoShots of course…
Big Daddy Kane vs. Rakim: You love to hear the stories, again and again… I’ve got to admit, if these two actually had time to prepare for a battle of pre-written raps, this would have have caused the universe to implode on account of how mind-blowing it would have been. Kane for the win, naturally.
Just-Ice vs. Blaq Poet: This was almost a battle that happened with shotguns rather than microphones, but seeing these two legendary tough guys box it out in a war of words would have been some ill shit. Winner? Nah Touch Da Just.
K-Solo Vs. Melachi The Nutcracker: Kevin Maddison would have easily knocked the Group Home resident to the canvas in a battle of rhymes, but if they actually got to box each other? I can’t call it.
Memphis Bleek vs. Spliff Starr: Weed carrier wars. Most people would be more interested in who could construct the best blunt.
Bushwick Bill vs. Bar None: Midget Rap Cage Match…aka The Vertically Challenged Conflict Resolution for you sensitive types. Bar None wouldn’t have a ghost of a chance against rap’s shortest cyclops.
Milk D vs. Ad Rock: These guys already battled to see who could break the most glass on the high-pitched theme song ‘Spam’, voted as the greatest rap song ever by the world’s canine population.
Heavy D vs. Chubb Rock: Who was the Ultimate Rap Fat Guy Before Biggie? Hopefully this one involved a pie eating contest instead of any rapping.
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