Nobody’s Smiling – The Unkut Guide To Entirely Humorless Rappers
Monday February 11th 2013,
Filed under: The Unkut Guide,Unkut Originals
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Many cynical rap fans complain that today’s new rapper dudes are bufoonish clowns and a disgrace to hip-hop, but perhaps we should be more appreciative of these attempts to inject a little humor into the post-Fat Boys rap landscape. Here are eight rapper’s who are no joke:

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1. Rakim.

Perhaps the driest MC of all time. There ain’t a funny bone in this dude’s body, as he has declared on virtually every record since his debut. ‘I Ain’t No Joke’? Damn skippy! The 7th Letter was Stone Cold before Steve Austin ever jumped off a turnbuckle, and when he reminded you that, “Nobody’s smiling” you understood immediately. It’s probably not advisable to be messing with whoopee cushions and trick gum while you’re astral traveling, but the world is also a poorer place knowing that Rakim with never make a song about pulling the head off a kid’s Ninja Turtle for interrupting some MILF time.

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2. Professor Griff.

It was important that Public Enemy’s Minister of Information took his role a serious as a heart attack – who else was going to counter Flav‘s Coke and a Smile antics? To his credit, Griff tried his hand at one-liners in 1989 – unfortunately his entire repertoire consisted of inflammatory Jewish jokes. After having to take a break from his duties with then PE, Griff did what any ex-leader of the S1W‘s does and flew to Miami to work as a bouncer at titty bars. In between shifts, he also recorded a couple of LP’s for Luke before returning to the fold with Chuck and co. after promising to never again utter the phrase “Jew-York” in front of a microphone.

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3. Puffy.

Sean Combs like to pretend that he’s a riot, what with getting funny white guys to cameo in his videos and making insane web videos about his Twittering habits, but this calculating bastard is all front when it comes to shits ‘n giggles. It’s safe to assume that he has a team of ghost comedy-writers toiling over his every droll comment in an attempt to fool the world into believing that he’s just ‘regular people’ when in fact he’s an evil android sent back in time by SkyNet to destroy us all…or at least convince dames to shave half their hair off.

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4. Reverend Run.

This might be Run’s House, but the most incredible thing about him becoming Born Again and his transformation into a man of the cloth is the fact that it somehow made DJ Run take himself even more seriously – if that was at all possible. If ever there was an MC lacking in hubris, humility and the ability to take the piss out of himself, it’s Run. That being said, the Tougher Than Leather movie still managed to be hilarious.

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5. DMX.

No time for jokes here. X is known to shoot straight from the hip and telling it like it is. Impersonating an FBI agent at the airport might seem like comedy in retrospect, but I bet you no one was giggling when they tried to slap the cuffs Darkman X. Sadly, the interviews where he mocks the name of Presidential candidate Barack Obama and the video where he’s introduced to Google in 2012.

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6. Kanye West.

If ever proof was needed that this character takes him way too seriously, then South Park’s ‘Fish Sticks’ episode was it. Not only did the show lampoon Ye’s persona with pin-point accuracy, he actually issued an official response which was virtually identical to the one his character did! Minus the part about being a gay fish, sadly.

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7. Rick Ross.

The bawse of the all-you-can-eat seafood buffet is everything that Biggie Smalls was, minus the natural gift for rapping and the sick sense of humor. Thanks to his good taste in beats and ever-improving delivery, Rozay can now share a track with Nas without shaming the city of Miami but still seems to be lacking in the knack for wry humor that separates good rappers from the greats, with the exception of that hilarious “failed drive-by” gag from the other week.

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8. Nas.

God’s Son may have been blessed with a superior pen and is widely regarded as one the greatest of all time, but he’s also notorious for taking himself way too seriously. Seeing as though he was hailed as “the second coming of Rakim”, it’s appropriate that Nasir doesn’t have time for clowning around, unless you count those Esco magazine ads, the pink suit from the “Got UR Self A Gun”“Street Dreams” video or the Nastradamus album.

Note: This is an updated version of a piece from 2010.


17 Comments so far
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Pac. Hov too, probably.

Comment by fortiesandbluntskid 02.11.13 @

What about Prodigy? Unless you think “rock you in your face, stab your brain with your nose bone” was funny. Love the G Rap reference in Rakim paragraph.

Comment by DJRashiiid 02.11.13 @

classic material.

Comment by swordfish 02.11.13 @

NOBODY’S SMILING – THE UNKUT GUIDE TO ENTIRELY HUMORLESS RAPPERS http://t.co/MrymvDdT

Comment by lecaptainnemo (@lecaptainnemo) 02.11.13 @

Paris.

Comment by tareq 02.11.13 @

Jay-Z is way more po-faced and humourless than Rick Ross. How he managed to convince the world he was this the life and soul of the party in the late 90s/early 00s remains one of life’s great mysteries.

Comment by brian beck from wisconsin 02.11.13 @

Jay Z has punchlines for days

Comment by Eatshit 02.11.13 @

Jay had a sense of humor early on.

Killa Army and most of those Wu Tang off shoot groups took themselves way too seriously.

Comment by Caesar 02.12.13 @

“War Report” era-Noreaga (aka P.A.P.I.) was rather dry. Somewhere aound that “N.O.R.E.” album, he got silly as hell: “Ayo, we light a candle, run laps around the English Channel/Neptunes got a cocker spaniel…” That’s some hardbody, abstract, gangster shit right there…

Comment by oskamadison 02.12.13 @

BTW, Robbie, I was gon’ call you out for recyclin’ shit ’til I saw your disclaimer at the end. Besides, you’ve had a lot of bangers recently, You can mail one in, lol…

Comment by oskamadison 02.12.13 @

This article is funny, the rappers aren’t http://t.co/IoonN4EA via @unkut

Comment by MAT (@geniusortwit) 02.12.13 @

DMX is definitely unintentionally hilarious. Hopefully he maintains his crack addiction to keep cracking me up.

Comment by BIGSPICE 02.12.13 @

An interesting take on this might be a list of the most howlingly unfunny rappers who think they’re on an Eddie Murphy/Richard Pryor level of hilarity.

Anyhow, as far as this list goes…. Killah Priest. You ever felt the slightest bit cheerful listening to his secret hidden knowledge?

Comment by Lair 02.12.13 @

Disc 2 of “Streets DIsciple” is the greatest rap comedy album of all-time, look out Prince Paul!!

I dislike Jay immensely, btw, but he was occasionally witty when younger. Definitely not FUNNY hah hah but not entirely cold either.

Shouldn’t G. Rap be on here somewhere or are we take his entire post-DJ Polo tv gangster persona as some sort of extended joke, however cornball and unfunny it is?

Comment by Infinite Tittymeats 02.13.13 @

For new funny rappers I’ve been enjoying The Black Bill Clintons, “My Mustache” and “Happier Than George Bush” are funny as fuck. Give ‘em a go.

Comment by vollsticks 02.14.13 @

Bobbito Garcia used to say G Rap was a genuinely funny dude on the Stretch Armstrong & Bobbito radio show.

Comment by uLtRaMa6nEt1c 02.14.13 @

Apparently wack rappers cant smile*

Makes sense to me!

*RUN was the best rapper,
stopped smiling when that ceased to be so

Comment by RobThom 02.18.13 @



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