Ten Rap Ballads That Will Make You Want To Stab Yourself In The Face With A Broken Bottle
Thursday February 14th 2013,
Filed under: Features,Listicles,Sizzle-chest,The 80's Files,Unkut Gets Emo,Video Clips
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There was once an unwritten law that said that all rap albums must contain at least one “slow jam” to attract the “female demographic”. Despite some rare exceptions (MC Shan’s “Left Me Lonely”, Kool G Rap’s “She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not” and Kid Capri’s “This Is What You Came Here For”), these love raps were shameful blights on the discographies of otherwise respectable MCs. Here are ten particularly painful examples:

Black Rock & Ron – “True Feelings”

“I love you even more than a brand new Mercedes Benz”

Stetsasonic – “Float On”

Add some corn chips and you have enough cheese for some killer nachos.

Big Daddy Kane feat. Barry White – “All of Me”

Toenail polish? That’s effed the eff up. Also I’m not sure I want the late Barry White hanging out in my house (basement) when I have a broad over.

LL Cool J – “Down The Aisle”

Fuckouttahere. (Judges would also accept “One Shot At Love”, “You’re My Heart”, etc.)

MC Hammer – “Have You Seen Her”

Rapping slow isn’t such a good idea for some people. Neither is having to see this dude is his underroos.

Kings of Pressure – “Call Me On The Telephone”

From “Armed and Dangerous” to this? Who’s that bootleg TJ Swan doing the hook?

Doc Box & B Fresh – “Slow Love”

“My love starts to grow so I walk you to the sofa”

World Class Wreckin’ Cru – “Turn Off The Lights”

Dr. Dre, Yella and Shakespeare and the “cru” know how to treat ya right, girl.

Mas$e – “Jealous Guys”

“You sang beautifully just now”.

True Love – “Love Rap Ballad”

When the record label asked for a “love rap/ballad”, True Love took that shit literally.

See also: J-Zone’s Top 25 Anti-Love Songs.

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15 Comments so far
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I thought I’d listen to the songs for a laugh but I had to stop after 20 seconds of that Cool J one. It sounds like he’s talking about another dude.

Anyway, the only thing constructive thing I can add is that there should not be a single apostrophe in the phrase “…these love rap’s were shameful blight’s on the discographies of otherwise respectable MC’s”.

Comment by Ross 02.14.13 @

Lads Love Cool James?

Comment by Ross 02.14.13 @

@Ross: Great work on the “punctuation police” tip.

Comment by Robbie 02.14.13 @

“Always say what you mean and mean what you say” oh man I forgot about that Kane record, my memory must have blocked it out or something. Terrible. Spoken word is only allowed on Last Poets records.

Comment by vollsticks 02.14.13 @

Maestro Fresh Wes is the godfather of Canadian rap, but even he provided “Private Symphony” and its “remix” on each of his first 2 otherwise stellar albums

Comment by hotbox 02.14.13 @

Wow i always thought Mase rapping was putrid, now i find out he also sang horribly?

Question:Does LL’s “I Need Love” make up for all the other terrible ‘love rap’ songs?

Comment by lou 02.15.13 @

@Lou: No. “I want you” and “I can give you more” are better by miles.

Comment by Robbie 02.15.13 @

About LL and I Need Love. Although I am proudly one of those that booed LL off the stage in London for “I Need Love” (it is a terrible song), I always thought that LL never sold out as he was always making “love tracks” from day one. Similarly his albums always had straight bangers (Radio, Dangerous).

It’s groups who suddenly started making love tracks that are the sell outs: Stet, Doug E Fresh,

Was E Love the original weed carrier?

Comment by Dan E Fresh 02.18.13 @

“Lads Love Cool James?”

Cuzo said the new normal!

Comment by RobThom 02.18.13 @

“There was once an unwritten law that said that all rap albums must contain at least one “slow jam””

MOST people bit that off of cool jay

Interestingly enough,
Cool Jay has NEVER earned the hardcore rep that he gets

He’s buffed!

But he has 2-3 good songs out of 30 years?

I need a beat,
jinglin baby remix,

Rock the bells?

Comment by RobThom 02.18.13 @

yall dudes dissin cool j like he ant have joints are very narrow minded and stupid you ant real hip hop cool j had jams but after the 4th album he did fall off but radio, bad , walk like a panther and mamma siad knock you out are classics you fuckin dripsss

Comment by cozy 03.04.13 @

I WOULD TAKE CHEESY LOVE BALLADS OVER “Trap Rap” Hill Billy rap country bullshit ANY Day!

Comment by DJ DAVITO 03.09.13 @

The day you are mine- Big Daddy Kane

Hey Love- King Sun

Slow Love- Doc Box and B Fresh

You have a lot of learning to do. Rookie

Comment by H E R K 02.17.14 @

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