Filed under: Albums,BK All Day,Conservative Rap Coalition,Euros > US$,Features,Guest Drops,International Zone Coasters,Pub Quiz,Reviews
Written by: Phillip Mlynar
Written and hosted by Phillip “The Jogging Blogger” Mlynar.
June 18th was a monumental date in hip-hop history — it was the day when all the Yeezus reviews came out. They involved lots of great commentary on the parameters of genius and musings about just how much of a genius Kanye West is. Unfortunately, they were also all really wrong. So the Unkut braintrust decided to review Yeezus in the only scientifically accurate way possible – in the form of a pub quiz.
The format: Rap Hand Robbie gets to answer ten questions about Yeezus. In the interests of impartiality, he has done his best to shield his delicate ears from Yeezus. I checked on this and he said he’d “heard a few seconds. Sounds like an old Dig Dug machine gone wrong.” The ten questions were based on things I could remember about Yeezus after suffering through it while jogging. Robbie received one point for every correct answer. His total at the end is the exact mark out of ten that Yeezus deserves. No other ratings will be valid. The location for the Yeezus pub quiz was Midway bar in Brooklyn where they played a Pandora station of rock music. Drinks involved pints, whiskey and pickle-back shots, the latter of which befuddled Robbie a little. Also in attendance were top photographer Rich Direction and an Irishman who used to be in the band Hunt Club and claims he once made out with Cat Power. So, as objective a Yeezus listening session as you possibly assemble and presumably exactly how Kanye wanted his work to be evaluated. On to the questions.
1. What color leather pants is Kanye wearing in “Black Skinhead”?
Robbie’s answer: Black.
Correct answer: Black. Although in fairness Robbie had visited Marc Ecko‘s tribute-to-Kanye-in-the-form-of-an-office last week so his leather pants knowledge was peaking. To wit, after answering he asked, “Do you want to know which style of leather pants too?” We all shuddered.
2. “On Sight” sounds like a dance song from which European country?
Robbie’s answer: Germany.
Correct Answer: Finland, home of the Bombfunk MCs.
3. According to “On Sight,” how much does Kanye West not give a fuck?
Robbie’s answer: Zero fucks given.
Correct answer: Kanye West clearly gives a fuck what everyone thinks about him. If every person in the world except one said that they thought Yeezus was a work of genius, he’d hunt down that one discerning Micronesian infant and torture it until he’d changed their mind.
4. Which young topless Chicago rapper appears on “Hold My Liquor”?
Robbie’s answer: Chief Queef. (He was doing comedy.)
Correct answer: Chief Keef.
Bonus question! Receive one extra point for every other young topless Chicago rapper you can name who is really hoping Chief Keef doesn’t go back to jail.
Robbie’s answers: Lil’ Squib, Chief Quiche.
Correct answer: I searched on Worldstar and those do not appear to be real rappers.
5. Detail the Hamptons-based S.V.U. sex fantasy Kanye confesses to on “New Slaves.”
Robbie’s answer: Spring Breakers the movie.
Correct answer: To fuck your Hampton spouse, come on her Hampton blouse and then in her Hampton mouth. In fairness, Robbie seemed quite interested in this one.
6. “Blood On The Leaves” has a dramatic twist at the end. What is that twist?
Robbie’s answer: Kanye cuts his hand with a croissant knife and yells at room service.
Correct answer: I don’t know, I couldn’t make it that far through the song. If you’re not Biz Markie, Slick Rick or that guy from Cru then save the singing for karaoke please.
7. Where was “Send It Up” recorded?
Robbie’s answer: Paris.
Correct answer: Apparently the jungle level of Lara Croft’s first Tomb Raider game (the rarer Sega Saturn version). Electronic elephant noises are very edgy.
8. What condiment does Kanye West rhyme with “eating Asian pussy” on “I’m In It”?
Robbie’s answer: Wasabi.
Correct answer: Sweet-and-sour sauce.
Bonus question! For one extra point what is the name of the Seinfeld episode where George attempts to marry sex with eating a sandwich?
Robbie’s answer: He drew a blank.
9. When he meets up with Jesus on “I Am A God,” what does Kanye West like to do to impress Jesus?
Robbie’s answer: Drops his pants.
Correct answer: Attempt to stack millions.
10. When in a high-end French restaurant, what really exotic food does gourmand Kanye like to order?
Robbie’s answer: White truffle.
Correct answer: Croissants.
The result: Robbie answered two and a half questions correctly. He received the half mark for his answer to the “Blood On The Leaves” question as without going back and listening to the song there is a chance that he’s right. That officially ranks Yeezus as a 2.5/10 album or, more impressively, a 5/20 album. We’re glad to have set the history books straight.
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