Evey now and then, Busta gives Spliff a couple of weeks off to go and record mixtapes and even the occasional video. Why? Because weed carriers have feelings, and what better way to treat your your most valued employee than to let him have a little time in the spotlight?

Wannabe weed holders – bow down to the great man known as Consequence. Not only did he manage to stay C.H.O.R.E (Constantly Holding Others’ Reefer Everywhere) by getting himself recruited by Kanye West‘s G.O.O.D. (Got Other Opiates Delivered) Music crew – following the break-up of A Tribe Called Quest – but the dude is still getting W. C. royalties from Q-Tip! Foe those who cram to understand, Weed Carrier Royalties (W.C.R.) are the reward system established to keep stash holders happy, since a happy weed holder is also a vigilant carrier. WCR can take a variety of forms – a record deal on your weed owners label imprint, a guest verse on the owners album, or if you’re really, really thorough – a beat or verse from the weed owner on YOUR SONG. That’s kinda a big deal ,because it means all of that weed owners Stans are gonna have to cop your shit to keep their collection complete.

The genius of Consequence is that he did such an outstanding job for Q-Tip and ‘em in the late 90′s that he’s still owed enough WCR to get beats from The Abstract in 2010, as seen with the release of his new track ‘Got Me Trippin’. When Cons titled his debut album Don’t Quit Your Day Job, those in the know understood that he was pledging his life-long commitment to the art of weed holding, which is a ‘day job’ that extends way beyond the traditional 9-5 timetable. Who knows what the future holds for this talented tree transporter? Will he make the transition to another weed owner when and if Kanye decides to Kurt Cobain himself? Will Kid Cudi recruit his services as his star continues to rise *pause*, or will the Cons finally live-out the dream of every carrier to make the transition to weed owner himself one day?

The NFL in the logo in American professional football should represent ‘Not For Long’. The average career in the game is less than three years. Anything past that and you have to be an exceptional athlete with a tremendously high pain threshold. These guys spend months running into each other at top speeds to only repeat the act if a penalty flag gets called on the play.

After contests you might could imagine the weed serves as a local analgesic to numb the pain from hairline fractures and the such. But actually in the rough and tumble world of the NFL weed is simply a gateway to the preferred drug of choice which would be free-based cocaine. In the NFL, coke is definitely IT!

If you ever wondered who all of those people were on the sidelines during the games you should understand that there are a plethora of narcotics, hallucinogens, painkillers and human growth hormones that go into every Sunday afternoon performance. Think of it as the ballet but on super hard drugs.

So now sit back on your couch and enjoy the new season of pro football. There are dozens of people being arrested in order to bring the show to you.

With the unfortunate news of T.I. and his wifed-up weed holder getting nabbed last week, it seems the ideal opportunity to spotlight some of the other more unsuccessful kush carriers in recent memory.

The Flipmode Squad: After Busta had a falling-out with Charlie Brown, who refused to stash his trees on GP as a member of L.O.N.S., Buss needed a new entourage to handle his ever-increasing carrying requirements as he embarked upon his solo career. First up to bat was his cousin Rampage The Last Boyscout, who started off OK but was soon distracted with putting together his own solo album (as is the want of every weed carrier). Busta wasted no time in expanding his operations, and before long he had collected a sizable group of bag handlers, who became known as the Flipmode Squad. The Flipmode wikipedia page reads like a weed carrier obituary of sorts:

Serious (1997)
Lord Have Mercy (1996-2000)
Roc Marciano (1999-2001)
Meka (1997-2003)
Rampage (1996-2006)
Papoose (2006-2007)
M. Dollars (2003-2007)
Labba (2003-2007)
Rah Digga (1997-2007)
Baby Sham (1997-2008)
Reek Da Villian (2006-2009)
DJ Scratchator (1996-2009)
Chauncey Black (2004-2009)
Show Money (2007-2009)

With all the jewelery holding, steroid stashing and massive quantities of hydro being carried, one-by-one the Flipmodians fell by the wayside, until only the ultimate cheeba stasher remained – the mighty Spliff Star. Salute this man, for he has endured drug busts in Swedan and released five mixtapes which nobody will ever hear (with titles such as ‘Contraband’ and ‘One Shot Willy’).

Young Buck: After dropping out of school to hold bags for Baby over at Cash Money, Buck tired of his role after four years and was recruited to the G-Unit, possibly to fill-in for Tony Yayo in-between ‘vacations’. Things were all gravy for a minute, but by 2008 he found himself kicked out of the Unit after he’d been spotted carrying bags for Lil’ Wayne. Judging by the tearful phone conversation that Curtis later leaked, it’s safe to assume that Buck also lost a few large bags of hydro which 50 wanted to be compensated for. To further rub salt in the wounds, he recently had his kids’ Playstation seized by U.S. Federal Agents as part of their attempts to recover unpaid taxes…

Weezy’s Non-Existant Carriers: Before putting the Young Money squad together, Wayne had a bad run of drug busts, leading many to believe that after so many years of holding for the older Hot Boys that he had no concept of what was involved in becoming a Weed Owner himself as his solo career flourished. Despite traveling with a crew, his tour bus was nabbed on two separate occasions between 2008-2009, and Weezy was nabbed with weed, coke, MDMA and pretty much everything else that you need for those long-ass bus rides between shows. The charge he’s currently serving time for stems from getting caught puffing trees outside his tour bus while in New York. Even though he was allegedly sharing the smoke with one of his boys, Wayne got nabbed with a biscuit, which seems inexplicable if he actually had any carriers at the time. We can only assume that it wasn’t until more recently that Lil’ Wayne woke-up to himself and started to get his shit together as a Weed Owner, although the fact that many of his intended weed carriers now own their own weed may be a problem in the future…

Ma$e: From his humble beginnings holding onto sacks for the late, great Big L and Killa Kam in the Children of The Corn era, Murda Ma$e cleaned-up his image and got the dream job in the rap world – carrying for Puffy! With an endless supply of shiny suits at his disposal, Ma$e knew that he was safe to carry weed for Diddy with no fear of ever being searched. Before long, he was allowed to become a Weed Owning Weed Carrier, juggling responsibilities between his holding for Sean Combs and assigning the left-over bags to his Harlem World weed holders (Mase’s sister Baby Stase, Blinky Blink, Cardan, Huddy, Meeno and Loon). When things took a downward turn with Double Up, Ma$e decided it was time to go and carry weed for the only person more powerful than Puffy at the time – God. Unfortunately G.O.D. must have had a better offer since Mason came back to music five years later. At this point nobody was really trying to let him stash anything, since who the wants to fux with someone who the Most High fired? His attempt to carry for Curtis proved fruitless, and most recently Ma$e was sighted carrying weed for Ron Browz, which basically means it’s time to jump out the window.

There’s a lot of confusion and misinformation out there on the mean streets of the internets as far as the whole weed carrier movement. You might think you know the science, but until you’ve studied A Salute To Weed Carriers, you don’t know shit. As we bring it back with Version 3.0 of the first and only online guide to the art of weed holding, let me proceed to give you what you need in terms of W.C. 101.

The Meaning of The Name: In this game, you’re either a Weed Owner or a Weed Carrier/Holder. Don’t get it twisted and think that a Holder and an Owner is the same thing. The Weed Owner never, ever holds their own weed. Why the fuck do you think they employ Carriers? To stash that shit, roll that shit, light that shit…and then go grab some snacks from the store.

No Shots: Don’t feel some kinda way if you or your man’s gets called a Weed Carrier. It’s a rite-of-passage, not unlike stealing your first bottle of booze. It’s also an incredibly important role in the music game. Without weed holders, a lot of our favorite rapper dudes would be licked the fuck up or on probation right about now. Carrying weed is a lot like college – it’s one thing to get your foot in the door, but not everybody graduates…

Deeper Than Rap: Weed holding didn’t begin with rap music. The OG of Weed Owners is Jesus H. Christ, who had twelve carriers. Unfortunately for him, Judas was an effin’ narco.

The Weed Is Optional: Truth be told, weed is no longer the choice of a new generation like Pepsi. With E, meth, yayo, syrup, prescription drugs and baby seal blood often being the flavor of the day, it’s just easier to give the human stash spots a universal handle. Therefore, Weed Carrier = Contraband Carrier for the purposes of discussion.

The Holy Trinity: Spliff Starr, Memphis Bleek and Consequence represent the brightest, most shining examples of what a true master Weed Carrier can achieve. They are the role models for the new-jacks to aspire to, not unlike how Michael Jordan would have been if he specialized in rolling blunts and picking-up packets of Frito Lays.

Triple Threat: The most valuable weed carriers are either female, white or kids. Combine all three and you’re teflon status, unless you’re Drew Barrymore.

Rules Of The Game: Don’t wife your weed carrier, and try not to mix-up your body guards with your weed holders. Multi-tasking just means that a bunch of jobs aren’t getting done correctly.

Never Go Back: It’s the dream of every weed carrier to one day own their own weed. Many never reach that level, but those that are lucky enough to get their own stash can never go back. Remember when Mobb Deep started carrying for Curtis? My point exactly.

Stay tuned for in-depth analysis of the latest incidents of weed carrying gone wrong…

As reported in the NY Daily News, Meth just got bagged with a bag (“He rolls down the window and the smoke would choke a horse”, apparently). This highlights several important points – the one-time star attraction of the WTC has fallen on such hard times that even guys like Carlton Fisk and Street Life have better things to do with their time than hold his trees, which leads me to believe that Johnny Blaze has been demoted to sack stasher status himself.

Clearly, John Blaze had picked-up an oz. of purple for someone who could actually afford it and still has a record deal (Raekwon would be my first guess) and decided to get high on Lex’s supply en route. The real tragedy here is the fact that not only has this one-time weed owner now failed as a weed carrier, but he was driving an effin’ 2005 Lincoln Navigator! Maybe if Rae had lent him the Range Sport things would have worked out better.

How many of you humps remember the Fab Five from the University of Michigan? They were going to be the best college team evar entil they ended up sucking in the NCAA tournament and then going pro as underclassmen. More than a decade after their splash on the sports scene not one of them has been to the championship of pro basketball.

Of all the talented players on that Michigan team the superstar was the 6’10 CHRIS WEBBER. He had a remarkable ability to dribble and pass the basketball which was usually found in smaller players and when he finished a play his dunks were ferocious and ground shaking. Unfortunately for CHRIS, his most memorable moment in college basketball was when he called a timeout during the Final Four and his team had none left. Absentmindedness is the hallmark of weed owners and as such they depend quite often that their carriers remain on point. JALEN ROSE wasn’t that day.

CHRIS was still an exceptional player and someone that you would chart high on the first round of the NBA draft. The question would be what team would select CHRIS and would they provide an atmosphere conducive to his love for holding the bud? CHRIS WEBBER was the #1 overall pick of the 1993 NBA draft and he was immediately traded by the Orlando Magic to the Golden State Warriors for ANFERNEE ‘Penny’ HARDAWAY. You see Orlando already had SHAQUILLE O’NEAL and they needed a weedcarrier for him. Since it was recognized that CHRIS WEBBER was a weed owner himself the Magic didn’t think they would fit on the same team together.

Golden State Warriors
Playing in San Francisco suited CHRIS early on. The team had several high level weed carriers available to CHRIS like BILLY OWENS, TIM HARDAWAY and LATRELL SPREWELL (who was working his way up to owning) and reserve player JUD BUECHLER had the connect for that killer white boy sticky icky.

Washington Bullets
When the weed in ‘Frisco started to taste like sherm CHRIS came to the east coast to play. He linked up with his favorite weedcarrier from college, JUWAN HOWARD. Too bad for them that the connects in Washington were dry and SCOTT SKILES was a balding hater. After the po-po pinched him for holding his own sack it was back to Cali bud again for CHRIS.

Sacremento Kings
At first it didn’t look like CHRIS was going to welcome his new digs in northern California until someone must have told him about all the readily available “medical” marijuana in Sacremento. They don’t call this place ‘Sack-Town’ for no good reason. CHRIS would enjoy his best years as an owner on the Kings. Serbian stoner VLADE DIVAC was all too happy to carry for CHRIS since he had carried for MAGIC during his years in L.A. Even though MIKE BIBBY and DOUG CHRISTIE were straight edge pricks, guys like CORLISS WILLIAMSON and BOBBY ‘Action’ JACKSON would help CHRIS light it up. But alas, eventually the joint burns down.

Philadelphia Sixers
CHRIS was brought to Philly to hopefully teach ALLEN IVERSON how to properly own but the truth is that CHRIS prefers the light green hydroponic while ALLEN is a bigger fan of the Midwest variety with the orange hairs. Go figure.

Detroit Pistons
Now Chris is back where it all started for him almost twenty years ago. He’s teamd up with another reckless owner in RASHEED WALLACE, but here in Detroit that have the best carriers around. RIP HAMILTON and CHAUNCEY BILLUPS are the All-Star carriers for these former top line players. Like the the greatest carriers evar in the game they do their jobs without spotlight or fanfare. I hope CHRIS WEBBER can climb to the mountaintop again with this ensemble of players and as long as Detroit saves at least one of their time outs they should be fine.

If there was anything that I gleaned from the ego trip (white) Rapper Show is that MC Serch can still bring fame to a bag holder without getting their ass kicked by Hammer’s goons.

I mean, what do you think the future holds for Shamrock or John Brown? They will be rap music footnotes as soon as the second season begins to air. Anybody remember Nikki ‘Hoopz’ Alexander? Exactly. The best chance for one of these rappers to keep his names on people’s lips will be for them to carry a bag and keep smiling. Busta Rhymes could use a new chauffeur so that’s something to think about also.

As A Salute To Weed Carrier’s NYC field correspondent I took the assignment of attending the (white) Rapper Show wrap up party in order to celebrate the arrival of celebrity bag holding with a bang (no Tony Yayo). The dude that carried Serch’s sacks the best would be awarded with something even more valauble than a recording contract. He was going home with $100,000 dollars. That’s a whole lot of ounces of that piffy piff and you know what I’m saying. The crowd that filled the club was lively and after the broadcast of the final episode of the television show we were all hyped up for the real show.

Persia, who was one of the most popular rappers on the show cleaned herself up and brought her bawdy ass Big Momma Cass routine to the stage. Her flow was competent and had improved somewhat since we last saw her on the show which was filmed some six months ago. I will admit that I found her attractive in a big girl kind of way. She had on some high heels that matched her belt and for a moment I considered bending her over backstage along with about three hundred or so of the other internets geeks that had climbed up from their mother’s basements to come to the show. The only thing that separated me from the geeks were the ten or twenty rounds of free Bacardi that threw back thanks to the crew from OnSmash and G.O.O.D. Records (yeah, them dudes).

John Brown, the runner up for the contest, was the show’s highlight but I was too tired and it was after midnight so I didn’t stay to watch him perform. Instead I caught the ego trip collective and MC Serch spit some freestyles for the crowd. Serch talked shit about people in the crowd and the clothes he had on. When he spit that shit about the Decepticons and his Timberlands the place went bananas. Well, at least one dude in there went bananas, but he was a big dude. Serch can do his freestyle thing. The ego trip collective… Not so much. Fun was still had by all. The (white) Rapper Show is a movement that you had better get in tuned with. Season 2 is on it’s way. Believe that!

The guests (in order of appearance):

Drag-On

After years of carrying trees and motorcycle helmets for the Ruff Ryders crew, plus whatever drug DMX was strung-out on in any given week, Drag-On now finds himself working at a Yonkers dry cleaners and greatly appreciated the $20 Nas paid him for his verse.

Dice Raw

Was this guy even on the last few Roots albums? Even if he was, he spends more time with Nouveau Riche, an indie rock/hip-hop car wreck that he started when his bag holding services were no longer required by ?uestlove.

Larry Larr

Carrying for Three Times Dope was a big deal once apon a time (plus da gawd EST got some shine on the 90′s remix), but since they disappeared from the public eye it’s safe to say that Da Wizzard of Odds hasn’t exactly been overwhelmed with job offers outside of doing birthdays at Chucky Cheese.

Bronx Style Bob

After the glory days of hanging with Ice-T’s Rhyme Syndicate, BSB went onto front some “postmodern soul” group called Khaleel which I have no intentions of hearing. Thankfully the lil’ homey Nas brought him back to spit some West Coast WC goodness.

One of the Rottin Razkals

Naughty By Nature sure had a lot of Weed Holders. Between Da Cruddy Click, Road Dawgs and these guys, Vinnie and Treach constantly had a full stash on call. Even though these kids dropped an album and did some shit with Zhane, I can’t name a single member. Actually I think they two main WC’s were called Diesel and Fam…plus with song titles like “A-Yo”, “Oh Yeah” and “Hey Alright”, you know these fellas were some deep thinkers. Imagine if Rakim had been a Jersey car thief and a small-time herb dealer and you get the picture.

The Wee Papa Girl Rappers

These fiesty Brits never actually carried weed for anyone, but they both let Professor Griff hit it which was a big deal in the UK considering how popular Public Enemy were in the 80s. Kelis obviously forced Nas to include them as the token broads.

Mike Zoot

Remember when Granola bar eating chumps were everywhere? This dude wishes we were still there, as 1996 saw him release a bunch of records with his Weed Owner Mos Def. A few years later he headed to Japan to make records since they can’t understand the lyrics anyway and seem to love random indy rappers that carried for Blackstarr. Nas spotted him working at a sneaker store and mistook him for someone else. By the time he realised his mistake, he’d already bought dude a Happy Meal so he let him rap on the remix anyway.

MC Skat Kat

What the fuck? Apparently duke dropped an LP called The Adventures of MC Skat Kat and the Stray Mob after his popular Paula Abdul jump-off. Pity that ungrateful tramp didn’t repay the favor and appear on his record. Good thing Nas is for the children.

I’m not sure if this is the greatest thing to ever happen to the weed carrier movement (after this, of course), or it’s death knell?

Saturday Night Live “Weekend Update Clip” (go to the “Weekend Update…Really?” clip at the bottom). Hopefully this means that I can secure Ron Burgandy to host the Second Annual Weed Carrier Awards.

Thanks to Fitz (the Kool Herc of this whole shit) for spotting this.