Filed under: Classic Ignorance,Not Your Average,Old Moufs,The Unkut Guide,The Unkut Opinion,You Mad
Written by: Robbie Ettelson
It seems that every other week a new Rap Genre emerges from someone’s twisted imagination. Since it’s been almost a year since the first Unkut Guide on the subject, it ain’t no mystery that a lot of effed-up new styles have appeared. Without a doubt, the most prominent would have to be the Soap Opera Rap movement. This hideous new breed of cRap is the mutated step-child of Wrestlemania Rap, which was started by Melle Mel when he stole Mikey D’s NMS belt and finally perfected by Curtis aka 50 Cent and his endless beefs with other rappers who he eventually makes shitty songs with (see: 50 & Jadakiss’ appropriately named ‘Dump‘).
The first sign that you may be listening to a Soap Opera Rapper are the excessive emotional displays that go above and beyond what is considered acceptable. Sure, it was kind of refreshing to hear kids like Kurious Jorge, Souls of Mischief and The Pharcyde reveal the more fragile side of the male ego from time to time, as a relief to the usual macho heroics that we’d come to expect from rapper dudes. But when you’re entire public persona is based upon bitch-made emotional outbursts, Twitter melt-downs and weekly suicidal thoughts, it’s time to check yourself. Worse still are the music fans who enable this behavior by supporting this foolishness. Have we sunk so low that rap beef can now be sparked over a reference to throwing a ’round wallet’?1 The other sure-fire signal that you’re tuned into some Days Of Our Lives Rap is the music, which will tend to be either some depressing dirge or hollow ‘throw-up-ya-lighter’ slacker anthem vibe, which inevitably equals weak drums and limp synths.
It was one thing to laugh at douche-hammers rocking skin-tight jeans, but teh ghey clothing is no stranger to the rap world. It’s the super-sensitive nature of these pussies that is of real concern, however. Even the old-timers like MC Hammer seem to have been infected by this type menstral behavior, what with crying himself to sleep juts ‘cos he got name-dropped by S Dot Carter. Imagine if LL tried to drop a song like ‘Pink Cookies In A Plastic Bag’ in this day and age? “Rub ya down with warm Ice-T, make ya feel Brand Nubian in-stant-ly/ Boogie Down and check this Production, gimme them lips they look good for suction”. According to the modern day crybaby doctrine, KRS-One should have threatened to feed Uncle L to the lions, live on Ustream. That’s not to say that all rappers have to be heartless bastards to get any airtime at the offices of the East Coast Elitists, but it sure as hell helps. As does not singing…
- 1. See: Kid Cudi vs. Wale. On second thoughts, don’t bother.[back]
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