The results are in for the long-awaited 2013 Weed Carrier Awards, and there have been a few upsets as far as the staff here are concerned. Nevertheless, the people have spoken in the most important democratic process that will occur this year, and most likely your lifetime. Internets, here are the winners of the 2013 Weed Carrier Awards.
Greatest Weed Owner In The Game Today
Winner: Birdman aka Baby (24%)
Don’t front, Baby has got this game on smash. Not only does his Cash Money empire included everyone from Limp Bizkit to Busta Rhymes, he also has the entire YMCMB carrying weed for him, which in itself is easily the most complex Weed Holding Network currently operating in the music industry. For example, Weezy carries for Birdman, while Nikki Minaj carries for Wayne but also has her own smoke stashers, who are then third-tier weed holders for Baby by default. Mind boggling.
Runner-Up: Rick Ross (19%)
Since he currently lacks any white girls or 14 year old dudes in his weed holding unit, Rawse actually scored higher than he deserves, although Rockie Fresh certainly helps for that white rock connection.
Current MVP Weed Carrier
Winner: French Montana (47%)
No contest as the new WC MVP and contender for Weed Carrier GOAT status French Montana obliterated the comp without even breaking a sweat. Holding bags for Akon, Diddy and Rick Ross at the same time is not easy, and possibly explains why this guy doesn’t have time to write any raps of any real value. Not content with carrying for three others, French has also found time to own his own weed and recruit baggage handlers of his own. Considering that the world has forgotten about his album already, that’s going to be important in the coming months.
Runner-Up: Gudda Gudda (10%)
Playing a loyal Memphis Bleek to Lil’ Wayne’s Jay-Z, Gudda has been a loyal sidekick since day dot. There doesn’t appear to be any threat of him actually releasing a solo album any time this decade, so he’s free to keep up the hard work of keeping Weezy’s cup full and skateboard wheels clean at all times, in addition to some bonus groupies for those times that Wayne has yet another “seizure”.
New Broad On The Block Award
Winner: Nikki Minaj (30%)
Great to see the Black Barbie narrowly take this one out in a close-fought contest. Now that she has her own weed carriers (as part of her still-unnamed imprint) she can finally spread the burden of stashing for Baby and Wayne and get back to the important stuff like shopping for wigs and Love Boat hats.
Runner-Up: Iggy Azelia (29%)
Australia’s finest export since Foster’s beer faithfully served T.I. as a stasher of numerous hazardous materials before going for delf, as well as a period where she kept nuts in her mouth like a squirrel for A$AP Rocky. based on her current YouTube views for “Work”, she’ll be announcing her own “label” and “artist roster” within a matter of months.
NBA’s Greatest Weed Holders
Winner: Scotty Pippen (42%)
Another flawless victory for Jordan’s faithful second banana.
Runner-Up: J.R. Smith [Carmelo Anthony] (17%)
Despite Newsday claiming that “Even under the best of circumstances, Smith is not at the level of most championship-caliber sidekicks”, the votes don’t lie. J.R. holds sacks with the best of ’em.
Worst Weed Owner Of All Time
Winner: Diddy (28%)
The cases of Ma$e, Black Rob and Shyne all being left in the lurch at some point by this guy are all rather unfortunate, and the less said about his shoddy treatment of Craig Mack and G-Dep, the better.
Runner-Up:T.I. (19%)
T.I. got the game all twisted when he let his wife, Tiny, carry a bunch of drugs in the car and then get pulled over. Plus he “Let Iggy Down”.
Our Pick: Ice Cube should have won this, on the grounds that he left just about all of his former weed carriers for dead at first opportunity. Da Lench Mob, Kam, K.Dee…the list is endless.
Weed Holder Musicians
Winner: Destiny’s Child [Beyonce] (21%)
Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams were the lucky ones. Spare a thought for the casualties of war: LaTavia Roberson, LeToya Luckett, Farrah Franklin, Támar Davis, Nikki and Nina Taylor.
Runner-Up:Ringo Starr [The Beatles] (16%)
The voice of Thomas The Tank Engine stays winning, except for this time.
Greatest Cartoon Weed Carrier
Winner: Millhouse [The Simpsons] (20%)
Bart’s faithful dork sidekick will forever be holding the stash for Homer’s little man, and thankful for the opportunity.
Runner-Up: Barney Rubble [The Flintstones] (16%)
As the Ed Norton to Flintsone’s Ralph Kramden, this Honeymooner’s rip-off proved to be a faithful smoke stasher for the forever ungrateful Fred, but had the last laugh on account pf his wife being hotter than Wilma.
TV’s Greatest Weed Carrier
Winner: Turtle [Entourage] (35%)
Considering that Entourage was basically the unofficial weed carrier TV series, it’s only right that Turtle took the crown for classic moves such as convincing a dame to sleep with him in exchange for a pair of Vince’s jeans.
Runner-Up: George Costanza [Seinfeld] (19%)
In reality, George would lose your weed in the first five minutes if you ever let him hold it, or sell it to a stranger for a quick buck, but in the world of situation comedy, he proved to be a classic sidekick.
Greatest Movie Weed Carrier
Winner: Chewbacca [Star Wars] (20%)
Nothing beats a Wookie when you need someone to hold you down in deep space. Paws.
Runner-Up: Manny “Manolo” Ribera [Scarface] (18%)
A perfect example of why you should never eff with you’re man’s sister. Manny had a good run for a guy of limited brain power, but didn’t stand a chance against the power of that enormous pile of yayo that Tony was diving into on the regular.
Comic Book Weed Holders
Winner: Robin [Batman] (51%)
Talk about a no-brainer. Folks have been casting doubt as the the motivation of a grown man in tights recruiting a teenager in tights to run around at night with, but who better to hold your weed than a kid who will just do a couple of months in juvy and get a slap on the wrist if he gets bagged?
Runner-Up: Jughead [Archie] (11%)
Described as “lazy, obsessed with food, and generally uninterested in girls”, it’s safe to say that Jughead is the OG stoner. Not really a great quality in a weed holder but I guess Archie didn’t have a lot of options.
Next Great Weed Owner
Winner: Kendrick Lamar (39%)
Kendrick seems to changing the rules, in that Black Hippy aren’t technically signed to his own label as is traditionally the case and aren’t really holding his weed. I’m sure he’ll have his own “imprint” soon enough though.
Runner-Up: Drake (24%)
Drake seems content to be holding for Wayne for all intents and purposes,
Greatest Former Weed Holder
Winner: Memphis Bleek (30%)
Forever immortalized for his bodega run in the Fade To Black documentary, Memphis Bleek’s services are no longer required by Jay-Z in this day and age, but his loyal services will never be forgotten.
Runner-Up: Consequence (22%)
How the mighty have fallen. From G.O.A.T. W.C. to runner-up status. Pour a little liquor out.
Great article!!