A Salute To Weed Carriers

We’ve got to admit it, under the close mentor ship of current Weed Owner King Birdman, Lil’ Wayne has been able to assemble a diverse team of loyal and largely under-age Weed Carriers. Since Weezy still carries for Baby, naturally the entire YMCMB roster can be called on to transport, hold or stash whatever it is that Birdman requires, which makes him the closest thing in this modern era to the RZA in terms of Weed Ownership. Love him or hate him, Lil’ Tunechi has grown up to be a helluva Weed Owner, as the following study can attest to.

Mack Maine

Serving as the official president of Young Mula since 2009, Mack has been entrusted with the grave responsibility of hiring, training and firing all of his Weezy’s Weed Carriers. This put’s him in a sort of grey area as far as it means that he’s not exactly a Weed Owner but he’s not holding weed either. Much like Juicy J and Busta Rhymes, Mack Maine is now a Weed Consigliere, who provides valuable advice and counsel to his boss, as well as running Wayne’s Twitter account after the latest trip to the emergency department.

Drake

Weezy originally recruited him after drinking a lot of purple one night and watching some Degrassi, where he was struck with the realization that no one is ever going to search a crippled dude, and there’s a helluva lot of stashing space in wheelchairs. Although Lil’ Wayne was initially disappointed that Drake was only playing a role as Jimmy on the show, it turned out that he had been doing some rapping in the meantime and Wayne didn’t want the trip to Toronto to be a complete waste so signed him anyway. It’s actually a little disappointing that Audrey isn’t an official Weed Owner at this point. He certainly has a high enough profile to be recruiting baggage handlers, but perhaps he’s too busy wiping the tears from eyes after watching The Lion King again to really put in the time required to set-up a WC squad. Surely he can sneak some extra Canadians over the border? Then again, some folks are quite content carrying another man’s stash, and seeing as though Drake has no problem selling records it appears he will have a place on the team for years to come.

Tyga

Tyga had already released his ‘No Introduction’ album and carrier Chris Brown’s weed before he was recruited to the squad, but the success of his second LP was hampered by “unauthorized usage” of one of a Martin Luther King, Jr. speech on one of the songs. Understandably, MLK’s family didn’t want his voice anywhere need a Weed Carrier project and the album had to be recalled and re-issued. He’s branched-off into the world of pr0n by releasing ‘Rack City XXX’, which featured an A-List cast by all accounts, but the reviews for his newest album indicate that he’ll be stashing the sticky for some time to come. “Hotel California is inexcusable”, writes Jeff Weiss for SPIN. “It may be the least creative major-label rap album in recent memory”.

Nicki Minaj

Her royal Pinkness really expanded her repertoire in 2013 when she became an American idol judge, which meant that she was no carrying weed for Lil’ Wayne and Simon Cowell at the same damn time. Clearly, the situation required her to set-up a “record label” and “sign” some “talent” in order to carry her ever-increasing stash of Weaves and Weed. Although the label remains unnamed, since “Pink Friday” might be off-putting to any potential male Weave Holders, she already has Parker Ighile (a Nigerian British producer, rapper, singer and songwriter – bonus points for a European passport holder), Brinx, and Keisha on deck. While she’s clearly got a hectic schedule juggling her duties as a TV personality, rapper and Queen of Wigs, she is still on deck to stash that green for her “little brother” whenever he requires. But for how much longer? Not everyone can handle the duel role of WOWSC (Weed Owner Who Still Carries).

Gudda Gudda

Loyal Codine Carrier from the old neighborhood, Gudda Gudda was reported to have been “encouraged” to rap by Lil’ Wayne, who learned the importance of training Weed Carriers early from his Weed Owner/Boss/Father, Birdman. Having served as part of Wayne’s first Weed Carrier Crew in the group Sqad Up, he was kept on deck when Weezy stepped-up his Weed Owner status with the launch of Young Money Entertainment in 2007, Gudda was deservedly rewarded with a deal and was allowed to appear on most of the ‘We Are Young Money’ album despite his painfully unexceptional microphone presence.

T-Streets

Another Sqad Up graduate, T-Streets has been too busy transporting ganja to hit the recording booth, which is probebly best for everybody involved. He did a mixtape, got on the We Are Young Money album and hasn’t been heard from since “Hold Up” from the first ‘I Am Not A Human Being’ album. Considering that only T and Gudda were carried over from the six other Sqad Up members, he’s clearly proven himself to be an integral “under the radar” loud lugger.

Jae Millz

This mixtape/battle rapper has already had two failed attempts at putting out a project on a major, but perhaps it will be third time lucky. He was arrested in 2010 after some broad called the cops on him “for an alleged domestic dispute”, and they bagged him up for holding bags when they arrived. Apparently he didn’t loose too much weed nor starting singing like he was going for an R&B contract, as the late, great Big L once put it, so he’s still part of the WC squad. Given his track record, let’s hope he can finish his album and sell more than 301 copies in the first week, else he Papoose‘s himself and end up back on DatPiff.com for the rest of his days.

Lil Chuckee

Wayne understands the importance of recruiting Weed Carriers at a young age, when they can quickly learn the tricks of the trade and can’t do any hard time outside of a quick stint in juvy, which is why he put Lil Chuckee down with the team after meeting the nine year old at a video shoot. He put out five mixtapes before his sixteenth birthday, proving that “slinging mixtapes” provides a great excuse to carry unmarked bags and boxes around at all hours of the night.

Lil Twist

Another young gun, Twist started rapping at 7, and has plans to release an album called ‘Don’t Get It Twisted’, which makes calling yourself Lil’ Twist all worthwhile. He’s been seen sporting a high-top fade 25 years after they went out of fashion, released his own line of headphones, and made headlines this year as follows: “Bieber’s BFF Lil Twist was there too – the 19-year-old rapper who was driving the Biebs’ Ferrari at the time the paparazzo was killed. Twist and his brother were rolling all the blunts and smoking everyone up … and there was a LOT of pot smoke” This kid is my new hero. Somehow, he’s able to carry weed for both Justin Bieber and Lil’ Wayne at the same time, despite having already done eight months jail time for holding, and may or may not be banging one of Bruce Jenner‘s daughters.

PJ Morton

After the T-Pain signing didn’t pan out, YM Prez/Weed Consigliere Mack Maine needed to get a singer as quickly as possible. It’s obvious that PJ can actually sing, which provides the perfect cover when he needs to carry weed for Maroon Five as their “stand-in keyboardist”, stash for Stevie Wonder or transport for Jagged Edge. His connections to the gospel, jazz and soul scenes mean he can cop a fantastic variety of herb at a moment’s notice and still hold a tune without breaking a sweat.

Shanell

A classically-trained dancer who carrier weed/danced for Ne-Yo on tour, she’s also written songs for a bunch of people, including Weezy’s “Prom Queen”. Seems to have an affinity for dressing like a hooker and sporting huge nose rings with chains on them, which isn’t exactly a good way to fly “under the radar”.

Short Dawg

If I was Too $hort I would be pissed at this kid, but whatever. This Texan is a devotee of that Purp, devoted syrup sipper who titled one of his tapes ‘The Adventures Of Drankenstein’ and featured on Wayne’s “Me and My Drank”. As a result it’s safe to say that Dawg is best kept to Cup Holder duties, since the last thing a space case like Tunechi needs is another space case looking after him when the shit hits the fan.

Cory Gunz

This guy seemed to have a lot of buzz a few years back, but still hasn’t put a retail album out. He had a show on MTV called Son of a Gun, got caught with an unlicensed gun in 2012 and his ‘Life of Gunz’ LP is “scheduled” for this year. It seems like a bad idea to get a guy with a gun charge and a failed reality TV show any bags to carry, unless he gets pulled over by cop in his late 30’s who still rocks “Deju Vu” on the daily and wants his dad’s autograph.

Torion Sellers

Dubbed as “the future” (of Weed Carriers) by Weezy, Torion is currently the youngest member of Wayne’s Weed Carrier Teen All-Stars. Another singer, Torion is aimed at the ever-lucrative “tween” market that Bieber and One Direction have exploited in recent years, which is also a good way to by-pass those pesky child labor laws when he’s transporting trees.

Christina Milian

Christina was making hits back in 2004, and began owning her own weed in 2010 when she “signed” two Australian singers to a management deal with her husband of the time, The-Dream. Once again, the classic WC with a foreign passport trick proved to be winner, although Christina’s inexperience as a Weed Owner resulted in the girls jumping ship after a year, reducing Ms. Milian to Weed Carrier status once again. Luckily for her, she managed to pop-out a baby so she’s still a few years as a Baby Carriage Weed Stasher to keep her on the team.

Flow

This East New Orleans native comes from a crew named The Flamez (pause) aka Flame Gang Muzik, and has been given a couple of spots on mixtapes in reward for his hard work as smoke stasher. Seems to be useful as a decoy.

We the Future

“W3 The Future, also known as WTF, are a teenage group consisting of 3 best friends – 3siXT, Hotspot, and Edge One”. Young Money Tween Weed Carrier Division.

Reginae Carter

This former member of OMG Girlz is “currently working on music, as well as a book and a clothing line called YMCMP (Young Money Cash Money Princesses) with Birdman‘s daughter, Bria Williams”, which basically equates to her carrying weed for Baby, Weezy AND Baby’s daughter! No wonder that Mack Maine described her as “a super megastar”, she’s a cheeba carrying triple-threat!

Assorted Weed Carriers: Cortez Bryant, Detail, Dizzy, Ele, Fee Banks, Fuke, KVN Gates, Lucci Lou, Marley G, Mike Banger, N.O. Capo, Snack, T@, Thugga, and Troy Bless.

Former Weed Carriers: Boo, Curren$y, Kidd Kidd, Omarion.

The Verdict: Gudda and T-Streets are clearly the MVP’s at present, but the true genius of this Weed Carrier Network is the influx of teenagers on deck, who are free to operate without any serious legal consequences at this stage. It’s Reginae Carter’s work as a Triple Weed Holder which is most impressive, however. If she can maintain that difficult workload for a few years, Reginae will be an Owner before she’s of legal drinking age.