A Salute To Weed Carriers

The house that Rawse built seems to follow the blueprint of the great Weed Owners who preceded him, including his old wrasslin’ buddy 50 Cent – assemble a team that includes at least one token female, a couple of guys who can actually rap and let go of anyone who is under-performing (Pil). Let’s take a look at the current line-up:

Triple C’s

The Carol City Cartel were Rozay’s original weed carriers before he made it big. Gunplay, Torch and Young Breed were rewarded for their long service as baggage handlers by being allowed to release an album in 2009 and have another – Cut, Color & Clarity (the story of the MMG line of Beauty Parlors) – due this year. Torch was born in The Bronx before being sent to Miami, which seems like an ideal Weed Holder’s education no matter which way you swing it, while Young Breed doesn’t even warrant a Wikipedia page and has a name that could easily be confused with No Limit solider Young Bleed, which makes a perfect “under the radar” Weed Carrier.

Masspike Miles

While we initially thought that Masspike Miles were some kind of Weed Carrier loyalty program similar to those offered by many major airlines, it turns out he’s some R&B sanger who couldn’t even afford to hire a “video vixen” for his film clip. Seriously, the video for “Say Hello To Forever” just has dude by himself on a beach and a bunch of kids riding BMX.

Magazeen

Token Reggae Weed Carrier. These guys aren’t idea as they tend to consume a lot of the merchandise, if you know what I mean.

Meek Mill

Meek’s resume includes releasing a mixtape with the incredibly pause-worthy title of Flamers 2: Hottest In The City and having Philadelphia pastor Rev. Jomo K. Johnson threaten to “revoke his hood pass” for making a song called “Amen”. He carried weed for T.I. for a short stint before a trip to the bing on a gun charge rendered him useless as a weed holder and therefore his “deal” with Grand Hustle evaporated. Fortunately, Meek seems to actually possess some rapping ability and was soon recruited by Rick Ross as part of his Weed Carrier Affirmative Action program which insists that one out of every four mules must possess some talent and have the potential to sell some music, in order to keep the accountants happy and not arouse too much suspicion from the “Hip-Hop Cops”. This means that while Meek Mill can’t actually carry any bags due to his criminal record, he’s an essential part of the Weed Carrier food chain over at MMG, and as such now requires his own team of weed holders, known officially as the Dream Chaser Records roster.

Wale

He’s “no Drake”, has been given more chances than most people have had hot dinners and his biggest claim to fame is having made a song with Lady Gaga. He claims his forth album will involve Jerry Seinfeld, but seems more concerned with getting mad at sporting announcers and generally bringing shame to his hometown of DC. After bombing at Interscope, and abandoning his own sound for his first MMG LP, it seems that holding for Rawse is a pretty good deal for this troubled character.

Teedra Moses

Always important to have a female weed carrier on deck. Apparently she “sings”, but so do 95% of women in the world over the age of 15. Appears significantly less mannish than G-Unit’s Olivia, which is always a plus.

Stalley

Weed Carriers with beards are always an asset to the team, and since he’s been “signed” since 2011 and has yet to release an LP, it’s safe to assume that he’s spent more time stashing than rapping. He would also be the first person I would search if I was a cop or a former corrections officer. Hmm…

DJ Scream

We initially thought that DJ Scream was recruited as part of MMG’s expansion into the ever-lucrative world of EDM, but it appears he’s just another guy who puts out records where he yells screams over someone else’s beats while rapper’s rap.

French Montana

Having survived “a suspected assassination attempt” when he was shot in the head outside a recording studio in 2003 and carrying weed for Akon for a couple of years, French is on the verge of becoming a true Weed Carrier success story, in so much that a bunch of big name rapper dudes aren’t ashamed to appear on his songs and he is able to have a hit record like 2012’s “Pop That” as a result of Drake, Lil’ Wayne and Rawse showing up. He also has his own team of carriers called The Coke Boys, although he is by no means a Weed Owner at this point and is only able to give his holder’s bags to carry on account of Diddy and Rozay needing to “spread the wealth”, as it were. We also might question the wisdom of having a confessed Muslim carry any contraband in post-9/11 America, although perhaps he can claim profiling and lawyer-up.

Omarion

Former B2K member (not the teh ghey one, apparently) with four solo albums under his belt, Omarion has already carried weed for Weezy, but was let go after only four months on account of doing a shitty job. MMG, which seems to act as some kind of a failed Weed Carrier re-education center, took him on board in an attempt to rehabilitate him as a cheeba stasher and figured that they needed a proper sanger on deck in case Masspike gets busted.

Gunplay

While he is clearly the most entertaining of Ross’ tree transporters, there are several red marks against Gunplay’s future as an effective weed carrier. Firstly, he’s called Gunplay. Secondly, he almost went away for robbing his own accountant until said accountant got all shook-up like Spoonie Gee and was “out of down” at the time of the trial. Last but not least, he had his chain stolen in a backstage brawl with Curtis’ weed holders. At this stage, he really needs to make a good album to keep his spot as the other token carrier with talent at MMG, although that whole swastika tattoo thing may not help his cause with the T.I.’s.

Rockie Fresh

Emo Rock Rap at it’s finest? This guy is buddies with fuckboi’s like Fall Out Boy and Good Charlotte, which gives him access to White Boy Weed and access to parties that the rest of the MMG WC’s might not get invited to. This makes Rockie an essential addition to the WC squad, plus Emo Rap is what’s hot in these interents streets.

The Verdict: We would strongly advise Mr. Ross to recruit himself a white chick to the squad, since history has proven them to be the most effective at stashing that loud. In the meantime, Rockie Fresh, Young Breed and Teedra Moses seem to be the most effective weed holders in the squad. Time will tell if they can put in the long years it takes to make the history books and be remembered alongside the Holy Trinity of Weed Carriers that are Memphis Bleek, Spliff Starr and Consequence.